What now?

You know how it feels to be that someone who keeps everything to herself? All the while I grew up keeping and sucking everything in. I felt like I cannot share anything to anyone. Maybe because I’m scared to let them know I’m weak, or maybe I know they wouldn’t care nor understand, or probably… I know I’ll not be satisfied to whatever they’ll say.

I took up Psychology because I felt like I was born to help people. Help them get the love, get through their problems, or even go on with their life. But the irony of it, who will help me then? I don’t want to sound melodramatic but yeah, I have a complete family with me. I’m well fed. I have a job, friends, and everything else. My situation is incomparable with anyone. I know I’m even lucky to be in this situation and someone may even volunteer to take my place.

But despite everything, I still feel… empty. I’m not sure if this is part of growing up or this is just a phase, but I felt like a wreck for the past couple of days. At first I thought it is probably me still hooked-up with the pain on the breakup with my ex, but… now I think this is something else.

Lately, I wanted to be alone. I’d rather be alone. Yeah, part of it is because I’m binge-watching The Vampire Diaries but basically… I wanted to be alone to compose my thoughts. Actually, with all the thoughts I have in mind I ended up writing this journal. Probably I thought that I don’t want to burden someone with all my problems and whereabouts because I know they also have some things much important than mine. Or maybe this is just the way it is. I have to be that sponge to absorb everyone’s problems then I’ll be the one to take care of mine. I’m strong like that, isn’t it?

Right now I just wanted to stay still inside my room. Not go out, not to talk to anyone, not even speak. I secretly pray that time stops. In that way, I don’t have to be obliged to go out. I don’t need to wake up and pretend that I’m okay, even if I’m not. I just want to go to place where I don’t need to face reality. I want to be in this place wherein I wouldn’t feel empty. Help me?

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