Sunday March 19th

I literally didn’t set foot outside my apartment yesterday. I took a nap- which I never do- I slept so much. I don’t know what is up with that. Stress? I don’t know. I guess I will at least go to Duane Reade today and get some paper towels and toilet paper. Maybe some of those juice smoothie things. I am starting school at my new place tomorrow. I can make it work. I cannot just keep wondering around. I am feeling high anxiety today. I should get out and walk some today even though it’s cold. That would probably help me. I am fat right now and I hate that. I need to fucking lose 20 pounds. I don’t know if I ever will. I feel no motivation to do anything. I hope my new job is good. I was thinking I might want to do special ed again when I was still in Kentucky just because it’s easier. It will be easier- that I won’t be responsible for planning the lessons- I won’t have to keep the attention of the class- all that pressure is off. I feel so nervous right now. It’s so hard to have not a single soul in the world you can talk to. I have no one. Literally not one person I can talk to. I remember I called a suicide hotline a few months ago. It’s just that sometimes I feel that I am so screwed up that I will never be able to be a normal person that feels happy. My parents have fucked me up to the  point that normal is not even an option for me. 

Later, that same day…

Pretty much stayed in again all day today. I hardly left the couch. I don’t know what is going on with me. Well, I do know- I have depression. Bad. But I don’t usually just sit inside all day like I have this weekend. I have got to tough it out for a few weeks until I get my new insurance. Once I have that, I can try to see a doctor and start getting some help here. I just don’t seem to be able to shake the depression this time. I mean, they put me on Wellbutrin and Lithium and I still didn’t get better. They put me on that new stuff I can’t ever remember the name of, and I still am not better. This has been the longest running deep depression of my life. I am scared that it just is my life now. I am going to stay the course here for now. I will change my plan if I have any opportunity to do so. If one of my children needs me, I will go to them. If I have the opportunity to have a happy relationship, I will go. I think I’m more likely to be struck my lightning than that happening. I have all these relationship failures. You would think I would never want to speak to Craig again after how big of an ass I’ve made of myself to him time and time again, but I just keep fucking bothering him. I need to stop contacting him. I need to leave him alone. 

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