Another day and more thoughts

Day 2 of the experiment has gone much as Day 1. More fake views and fake likes. No messages and no ‘visitors’. Thus, I’ve come to figure out the system a little better. I’ve been using OKC as a guidepost. One thing I have noticed is that the likes go up and down randomly, but also I’ve noticed that ‘likes’ go up without visitors. So, this tells me that either they are fake cooked up by the site owners to get you pay the fee to “see them” (much like M.C does as well) or they are scammers with one time hits. It also accounts on M.C the supposed ‘views’ and ‘picture likes’ that suddenly appear. I will continue for the month, but I’m slowly learning. I’ve also noticed the same curve on PoF. There’s “meet me” additions but again same as OKC you must pay a fee to see them or ‘upgrade’. Now one thing I had noticed when I was doing my reading on things that when you pay the membership fee or upgrade fee most of the supposed likes or whatever they call them disappear. I won’t be paying the fee to find out, but it is interesting.

The Hermit is once more trying too hard. He made a comment on my Facebook that all I could do was shake my head. For the most part when I’m not working, I am usually found in my room most times. I will admit that I have caught myself nearly giving into thoughts that wouldn’t be conducive to anyone. That human drive to have some sort of connection with the outside world. Humans are basically social creatures. That much is true. Though I have been finding in my isolation and silence that I have found online interactions are just fine. One thing that I have come to realize is that unless you actually have any attraction to the other person, you are settling because you feel alone. That drive causing the mind to want to settle for that simple and easy answer. Yet my logical mind quickly reminded me that anything with the Hermit would be strictly physical. There would be no emotional investment from him. There wasn’t before and it’s highly illogical to believe there would be now. Remembering that year and the things wrong with it would easily remind me why I have no real attraction. Yes, he is a friend but it ends there. I know what I want and that’s as simple as that. Settling will not be an option. Logically knowing that I will be alone for the rest of my days because of this is becoming fine with me.

Yesterday I spent the day watching an anime that was suggested to me. I’m finding that I actually like it in some strange way. I took a day off from it today to catch up on episodes of Bones that I had missed because of falling asleep with the television on. That’s something that’s a part of me. The Lion hated it. He would complain about it. Saying it invaded his dreams and caused strange dreams for him. With being alone as long as I have been, the sound of music playing or the television on when I fall asleep is comforting. It gives the strange sense that I’m not alone. Too many nights in my life of falling asleep alone will do that. Give something that is comfortable. I don’t know the correlation of why it’s comforting but it is. The Lion wasn’t the only one to complain over it. I also believe that when I was at the Hermit’s house it would explain why I always had trouble falling asleep. His house so it was his rules. Though he was usually drunk when he passed out at night, there wasn’t anything that helped me sleep. It started around the time I was with the Dragon.

I don’t know when I’ll get called to work again. So, until I am, I’ll fill my time as best I can. That includes working on this as well. I have been sharing it on my Facebook for those I know to choose to read it or not. I doubt that most do, but I’m sure they appreciate not seeing it on there as many of them have pointed their fingers and told me to stop. Not always directly but in their own ways as well. I also feel that if someone randomly reading this and finding something of value that helps them, then I’m okay with that as well. It’s not doing really much for me. I still tear up when thinking about the Lion. I know logically now from things that he does that he never loved me. He would tell me I’m wrong and tote that he had talked of marrying me and wanting a child with me. The truth is I’ve seen how he is with his new lady and how he was with me. It’s easy to see how (while I believe it’s too fast) he gushes over her and he never did for me. He introduced her to his friends but not me. He posts nothing but how great things are with her as opposed to posting nothing about me in 3 years. I was a big secret where he just broadcasts about her. Yes, I am guilty that I had visited his Facebook. I haven’t in a while, but curiosity got the better of me. Then I realized the logic that I was seeing. It was basically me emotionally investing in something that I’ve learned was never really there. It was more that I was just to be there post-divorce and until he found something better. He had told me he loved me and I had ignored it. Though in time it was discussed. A few months later he said he was divorcing his wife. That’s when he became more possessive and aggressive about him and I. His family didn’t know. That’s partially a lie. His parents knew. He even deceived his then wife up until some time after she had moved out. He was petrified that if anyone knew she would take their son from him. So, I had to be the big secret and it seemed that would continue after I had moved there. While I believed all along that it was love, I had been taken in. Yet, sometimes I lie to myself and tell myself that maybe he really did love me. It’s comforting. Even if I know it’s a lie. At the end of the day it’s all about the lies we tell ourselves. Ironic because I hate lying. Sometimes though I’m learning they are a necessary evil. The things we learn about ourselves.

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