march 19, 2017.

hey,

so, okay. back when i was thirteen i made a livejournal account, and i never let a day go by without writing in it for a good 5 years thereafter. my point is, i used to journal a lot. it was a mash-up of my social life (because this was before the days of tumblr and twitter – listen, i’m old) and my personal thoughts and feelings.

my teenage years were very strange, and looking back on them now, it feels like i’ve become a completely different person. teenage me listened to nothing but classic rock. she thought she was straight, when it even occurred to her to think about it. she absolutely hated her brother and spent too much time wondering why her dad was the way he was. she had tons of online friends but in real life was a total shut in and had no real life to speak of.

okay, so the last one’s still valid. guess i am that same kid after all…. just with less of an obsession with john paul jones.

a little bit about myself, here and now. i go by the name rose anaïs. not my birth name, but it’s my name. i like the name rose because i love roses??? p simple. but really, the word makes me feel as beautiful as i’ve always wanted to feel, so i reckon that’s a pretty good reason to keep it. i’ve loved the name anaïs ever since i first saw it in a book i read on holiday as a tween. for ages i planned on giving the name to my daughter should i ever have one, but then it occurred to me: i’m good enough to have this name that i love so much. so i took it, and now it’s mine.

also i think it’s funny that it kinda looks like the word ‘anals’. and giving a kid a name that looks like ‘anals’ is unspeakably cruel, so like, charity?

i am twenty-three years old. i live in austin at the moment, but i was born in california and spent my entire formative years (ages 1-15) in a tiny town in the bumfuck middle of nowhere, western australia. my mom’s a mississippian and my dad’s from perth. my mom was a permissive parent, my dad an authoritarian, and that will give you a decent picture of what my childhood was like.

i’ve always been fat. i’ve always loved reading and learning and always hated sports – but i have a deep affection for ice skating. i adore anything to do with the lgbt community. i identify as a cis grey-a femmesexual, which i’m sure i’ll expand upon in a future entry. i haven’t made a new friend in over a year, but at the same time, i’ve never been more content with my friend group. 

i have been diagnosed with chronic complex ptsd, agoraphobia, depression, and social anxiety. which is ruling my life at the moment. i spent ages 15-now cooped up at home because i was juggling homeschooling with ptsd symptoms that made it hard for me to leave the house. now it’s at a point where my life’s kinda been ruined by it and i’ve developed agoraphobia and now i have to learn how to be a functioning member of society again. but that’s okay. i’ll get there.

anyway, so hey. this is my new journal. wish me luck.

4 thoughts on “march 19, 2017.”

  1. How are you old? We’re the same age and I don’t feel old. What happens 5 years from now when you’re 5 years older? “OMG I AM SO OLD WTFFFFFF”

    What happens 10 years from now? “OMG I AM OLDDDD”
    20 years from now? “I AM SO OLD”
    30 years from now? “OMG I AM GETTING OLDERRRR”
    And by then you’ll only be 53 if you make it that long

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