Me

I’m a person that over thinks everything. Usually focusing on the negatives in life.

I’ve done plenty of questionable things in my life that I shouldn’t be proud of. That I should cringe when I think about them, but I don’t. I’m broken inside and I don’t think there’s any way to fix that.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression. At 27 years old. I wish I could say I wasn’t sure how that happened but that would be aout – right lie. Feeling this way is not a new development for me. All throughout my life, I’ve hated myself. Thought I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t do anything about it back then because they were just thoughts. Everyone has them, right?

Things took a drastic change for me from just mentally beating myself up to actually trying to kill myself. It was the first time I had tried to hurt myself and I no longer wanted to live. I collected every prescription and non prescription drug I could find in my house and systematically started swallowing them. Now, obviously I didn’t succeed (though some days I really wish I had). Instead I woke up the next morning very sick. Vomiting, could barely see, couldn’t walk. It was horrible but I deserved every part of it. I didn’t tell anyone what was wrong at the time. Not my fiancé, not the Dr I went to see that day (who put it down to something viral), not even my own family. In fact, it’s only been in the past few months that I HAVE told anyone and it’s been 8 years since it happened.

I was just so over life at that point. I had tried to break up with my fiancé but everyone talked me into staying. I believed that I was a horrible person. That I didn’t deserve happiness so maybe it was better I stayed and suffered. It was my first and only attempt to end things completely, but it started a long journey of self harming that continues to this day.

One thought on “Me”

  1. Dear Why….I am so sorry you are suffering so much. You don’t have to be tormented all your life. Anything in you past that you regret, ask Jesus to forgive and cleanse you. He will. “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be whiter than snow.” “He shall remove your sins as far as the east is from the west, and remember them no more.” If Almighty God can forgive you, you must try to forgive yourself. All of us have things we don’t like about ourselves. You must learn to forgive yourself and accept yourself as the precious creation God made and loves. Jesus died for you to have “Life and life more abundantly.” Please stop harming yourself. It hurts the heart of Jesus, because He loves you so much. I used to do self-harm, and He told me that, and I quit instantly and forever. You need a whole new life, darling girl. You’ll find it with Jesus Christ. Start with just talking to him. Continue to see your doctor, and ask for a change of medication if this one isn’t working. I pray all the best for you! Hugs.

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