I’m a person that over thinks everything. Usually focusing on the negatives in life.
I’ve done plenty of questionable things in my life that I shouldn’t be proud of. That I should cringe when I think about them, but I don’t. I’m broken inside and I don’t think there’s any way to fix that.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression. At 27 years old. I wish I could say I wasn’t sure how that happened but that would be aout – right lie. Feeling this way is not a new development for me. All throughout my life, I’ve hated myself. Thought I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t do anything about it back then because they were just thoughts. Everyone has them, right?
Things took a drastic change for me from just mentally beating myself up to actually trying to kill myself. It was the first time I had tried to hurt myself and I no longer wanted to live. I collected every prescription and non prescription drug I could find in my house and systematically started swallowing them. Now, obviously I didn’t succeed (though some days I really wish I had). Instead I woke up the next morning very sick. Vomiting, could barely see, couldn’t walk. It was horrible but I deserved every part of it. I didn’t tell anyone what was wrong at the time. Not my fiancé, not the Dr I went to see that day (who put it down to something viral), not even my own family. In fact, it’s only been in the past few months that I HAVE told anyone and it’s been 8 years since it happened.
I was just so over life at that point. I had tried to break up with my fiancé but everyone talked me into staying. I believed that I was a horrible person. That I didn’t deserve happiness so maybe it was better I stayed and suffered. It was my first and only attempt to end things completely, but it started a long journey of self harming that continues to this day.