Well, here I go again on another tirade about how my relationship ran into another snag. Seems to be a theme here where just about every week I am mentioning something. Last week, it was the lack of communication… which hasn’t gotten much better. There’s some effort but whatever. Maybe I’m being critical of him and trying to mold it into my own idea of perfection.
Which reminds me of an assignment my therapist gave me. She asked me what an ideal relationship to me would look like. I would tell you, that it would look like this:
There would be kindness, understanding, patience, empathy, and an air of acceptance. There would also have to be fun too. But right now, I don’t appear to be getting much of any of that. He gets me little gifts sometimes, but what’s worth more to me is having a text message saying you’re thinking of me. I don’t need little tokens to show that. To be honest, I find it that you’re trying to buy my affections instead of putting in the effort. Makes me feel kind of… cheap so to say. Like I am a vending machine where you put money in and I come out to give attention. I’m not a vending machine: I need more than just little gifts. I need to know that you do care, that you are thinking about me, that I am on your mind and that you truly love me. I don’t need the other drama. I don’t want to fight you, but here you are insulting me and my own choices and life experience.
Here’s how this went down last night:
I had an art show last night with a friend of mine who called and said he needed help. Mind you I haven’t seen my boyfriend since last Wednesday when I had to leave Thursday to get to my weekend job out of town. They asked that I come in that Friday, and my being unable to say no to extra money, I took it. I didn’t ask him about it because his lack of attention spoke louder than what was needed. So I told him I was leaving a day early and that we would be in touch.
Side note: his friend died last week, so I can’t blame him for the most recent lack of attention, but this has been an overarching problem. I’m the one who texts and contacts him first as of late — even before his friend’s death.
Which segues into this weekend.
Unless I contact him first, I don’t hear from him. I was gone Friday, and I decided I was going to see if he would contact me first.
Spoiler alert: he didn’t.
Next day, I decide that I’m gonna call him and see what happens. When I mentioned that I didn’t hear from him at all on Friday, he acted confused, saying, “What? Really?” Uh yeah. I know because I have no record of it. When I asked what he had been up to, he said nothing much really. So, you don’t have an excuse. Got it. So what you’re saying is that you can’t take the 15 seconds out of your day to let me know you’re thinking of me, even though I do that all the time? Okay, I see how this works.
Sunday, I get back to my own apt. I don’t bother to communicate with him, wanting to see if a similar thing as Friday would happen. Damn straight. I give in, and I text him, saying that I was back at my place at like 10:30 pm. He remarks how late it is, and I said that I got out late. Then he asks me, “Will I see you tomorrow?” I say sure, surprised he’s putting an effort to make plans. How unusual.
Then yesterday. A friend of mine and I are both performers of sorts and says that he needs someone in his act for his art show that he’s putting on later that day. I figure, my boyfriend likely won’t mind. After all, what does he care?
So I text him, letting him know that I’ll be helping out my friend with his show later and that I won’t be able to meet with him until 2 hours after previously agreed. He said that was fine that he had a meeting later that night anyways with another artist for his own gallery. Now, my thought was, Oh. When were you going to tell me about that? Good thing I have other plans or I’d be waiting around on you. Again. As usual.
My friend’s show ends and I text the BF saying I was out at around 9:30 pm. The show wasn’t going to be for more than an hour, which I explicitly stated. He said that he needed more time. Okay, I’ll wait as I normally would.
10:30 pm rolls around and I’m getting exhausted waiting for him. My last text that I sent before things blew up were, “Not to be annoying, but I need to know where I’m going before it gets dangerous for me to drive.”
To which he said, “Dude if you’re worried about danger, you can come over. You told me you were working at 8.”
I reply: “I did the show. It ended at 9 like I said.”
Then he flies off the handle. “I know you don’t have a full-time career but don’t act like I’m an asshole because I do. I had a time corresponding to yours. I’m sick of you making your priorities apart of my faults.”
What the hell does that even mean?! And why would he attack me like that in terms of my career? I work from home for my friend’s company as their social media and internet marketing manager, I do a little IT work (also for my friend’s company), I also write for an online anime publication, and now I have a weekend job at my friend’s bar for until the end of next month to get some extra $$. It’s good money. Not going to lie. I think I made a total more $300 this weekend. and I don’t have to pay for board while I’m there. But, look, I understand that my own choices following my “career” are unorthodox and unusual, but please don’t demean me because of that. My own career choices have been a source of anxiety before because I can’t figure it out. I have tried many different things, and nothing quite worked. Nothing seemed to fit. I’ve worked in education, recruitment, sales, automotive…. None of that seemed to fit. I originally wanted to be a psychiatrist, and one of the reasons why I went to college. But then Biology kicked my ass. I almost failed. I took psychology 101. I got a C- in the class. Chemistry? I took one look at that and said fuck that. I’m not meant to be a psychiatrist. The first semester kicked my ass in college, and I figured that was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to get into the medicine. So I coasted through my language classes, wanting to go into linguistics, but then saw that in order to do anything, you needed to go to grad school after to do anything with it. Another 2-4 years of school? If it was medicine, I could have done it. But with linguistics with limited prospects? In this economic downturn where you’re lucky to find any job? I’m not going to take my chances. So then I thought, alright, well if translators don’t get paid well, then I guess I’ll try my hand at PR. I was alright in it. It was useful. It was mildly interesting, so I went that route. I did a sort of marketing/Spanish thing, thinking that would get me hired some place really quickly.
How was I fucking wrong.
My first job out of college was a meager commission only sales job that never paid the bills. I had to ask my parents for money because I was a shitty sales person. I figured this would be alright until I found something else. I did that for almost a year while dating my shitty ex on top of that. In the span of 2 months, I broke up with my ex (a week before Valentine’s), quit that job, and moved out of my old apartment. Then queue the next line of jobs that I didn’t last more than 1.5 years in. I worked an office job for recruiting, which I fucking hated, but I stuck that out for as long as I could until I got laid off.
There’s more to that story where I worked in auto parts, then I went off to South America to go be an ESL tutor, and then came back after a year that didn’t work out. I seem to grasp at whatever comes my way, hoping it will work as nothing has so far. Reasons why now I’m trying my hand at IT and seeing if that works.
So you can tell my career is a sore spot. My dream didn’t work out, and I’ve been trying to figure out something else since I first started this 10 years ago. I got a reading done (yes, I’m that desperate) to see what’s going on, and I gathered that if I didn’t settle on a direction, things were not going to end well for me. Guess color me scared to settle on a direction because nothing has turned out well so far. I feel like I keep trying and trying only to draw nothing from my efforts. I was telling my therapist the other day that I feel like this: I keep trying and trying and nothing is working. What else am I supposed to do? I’m becoming hopeless again, wondering what is the point in all this? I don’t know if I’m ever gonna find anything I want in life. I feel like I’m constantly working against myself, defeating myself at every turn just to drive me back down into the depressive trenches. I’m afraid that I won’t ever find love, that I’m too hard to handle, too complicated, and then on top of that, I don’t know if I’ll ever find a career that will suit me. I don’t even know what talents I have that I can offer people. I know nothing and this state of the void is creating more anxiety in my life than I could ever imagine.
Making my priorities apart of his faults…. I’m not even sure what that even means. I hope he’ll want to meet with me later on today so we can figure this out. I don’t like what he said, but as the book, The Four Agreements, states, “Agreement #1: Be impeccable with your word. Agreement #2: Don’t take anything personally.” And he said some pretty nasty things last night that I need clarification on. I feel that I have been more than compassionate, but now I’m starting to feel angry about it. I struggle to remember the second agreement, as he’s likely going through some shit right now in his own world, and I want to know what it is so I can understand why he acted out like that. We shall see.