❤🌗 Spring

The season is over. Playoffs are over. Nationals are over. I’m sure you’re exhausted, but I feel like you’re back. I didn’t think I’d be able to navigate my way through a season. But I stumbled through somehow. And we’re both on the other side. I feel like it’s something.

I told you a few times how much I missed you, but I feel like you thought I meant last week. It was so much more than that. Of course I missed you last week. But I’ve been missing you for months. And today, it felt different somehow. You said you’re glad it’s over, and if you are then I’m happy for you.

I wish I was better at talking about things instead of letting them fester into nights without sleep or ridiculous ideas that aren’t real.  So much of our relationship is unreal. I’ve never felt so much love and passion or desire for another person before. I feel connected to you in the craziest most inexpiable ways. I didn’t know that this was even possible, and yet here it is.  I keep making you have very similar conversations over and over. You’re so patient. It’s unbelievable. My trouble with processing our relationship and your marriage has so many layers that I don’t know how to explain myself most of the time. When we started you told me a lot of things that seemed perfectly reasonable, but not entirely true. I have trouble forgetting what you said originally, and mix it up with today’s reality. Not in a bad way, or an upset or angry way. It’s just how my brain works.  How do we do this? How do I do this? Will I adjust at some point? I’m sure I will, I usually do. But this one is taking a bit longer than normal. I think that’s part of why we have had some fairly similar conversations over the past couple months. We might have to do it again. I don’t know. But I appreciate that you participate so sincerely. Not all of my anxiety is about you and us. It just feels like when I’ve got other things I’m not managing very well it amplifies my thoughts about us and I end up falling off the rails.

Hearing you say that I give you something you’ve never had before was pretty overwhelming.  I had no idea, and it’s not really anything I’ve considered, but in a way it’s the same for me.  Id like to know what it is that I give you. I know I always ask the extra why/ what about things. But it’s how I operate. I want to understand it from your perspective. I just want to really understand you. INFJ   Can’t help it. Sometimes you surprise me at how well you’ve got me pinned. No one has ever taken the time to actually understand me or support me or love me the way that you do. It’s an incredible feeling.

I still get really excited to see you. Doesn’t matter if it’s been one day or a week.  Always so happy to see you.  You still give me butterflies and goosebumps.

We started talking a year ago this week. I can’t believe it’s been a year. How did that happen?

I don’t know what I’d do without you.


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