Tuesday March 21, 2017

          It’s March 21st, 2017. I had to go to court this morning for a “pay or appear.” I have not been working since very early January of this year and was unable to make my payment on a traffic ticket I received last year in February. Initially, the fine and court charges added up to over $1,000 but over the last 11 months, I have managed to pay it all the way down to $495. I really dislike the county that ticketed me. Today, they were a completely disorganized jumble of a mess! They didn’t even know I was required to show up. Once they pulled my file, they informed me that I could not be seen today because the judge on my case was not available. It’s fair to say I was annoyed. The circuit clerk took a post-it note and wrote down “4-17-17” then took the 2nd one and did the same with it. She handed one to me and applied the other to my case file. The lady then informed me she would advise another woman that we had come to an agreement of payment and would ensure I did not receive a warrant for my arrest for not having shown up in court. I do not trust Moultrie County for the life of me. If a couple of officers show up at my door within the next few days, I will not be surprised in the least.

          After watching a couple of movies on Netflix, I decided to finally send Jose’s letter out to him. For those of you who might read this, he is supposed to be my fiance but things have been very quiet and very rocky for the past couple of months. We write to one another because, at least for now, it is the only way we have of communicating. He is currently locked up and has a long time to go before he will ever be free. We have been together since December of 2015, right before Christmas. Our problems began when my ex-boyfriend decided to contact me, also via mail and yes, he is incarcerated also. My ex-boyfriend had 19 years until he was to be released when we started our relationship. I went to see him every single weekend without fail…or with VERY few fails. I knew the reality of our situation would be very difficult and challenging but I loved him. I have always believed there is such a thing as unconditional love but I never really experienced it until he and I were together. After 14 months of being completely committed to one another he told me that he was no longer concerned with getting out (being free). Due to details that I do not care to share with the world, those words completely devastated me. It was like a nuclear bomb was set inside my heart and he had pushed the detonator.  We broke up in November of 2014. Christmas of 2015 was rolling around and I was getting ready to send out my Christmas cards for my family that celebrates it. However, I had three extra cards that I really didn’t want to waste. Having been a criminal justice major, I knew there are thousands of inmates that are completely alone and do not have any friends or family that will send them anything for the holidays. I took it upon myself to send the extra cards to people who were locked up. Two of them responded by sending cards back to me and one of them sent a card & a letter. Jose was the one who sent the letter. He said he appreciated the card and, if I was not a “religious freak,” he wouldn’t mind hearing from me again. I was torn as to what to do. A year had passed since my ex-boyfriend and I had split up but I still thought of him every single day and cried a lot. I wasn’t ready to commit myself to writing to someone who might come to expect a relationship that I couldn’t give to them. I responded to Jose’s letter and over time I told him I couldn’t be more than a friend because my heart belonged to someone else and he had completely annihilated my world when our relationship ended. I explained I wasn’t sure if I would ever be the same. Even now as I write this I am not the same as I was before. Jose asked if myself and my ex were still in contact. We weren’t. We had agreed to not be in contact ever again because it would cause unnecessary pain for each other. Fast forward to now….Jose has helped me learn to live with the pain my ex-boyfriend caused me. He listened to me cry and justified my hurt and anger. He never faltered when it came to being a very supportive person in my life. Ultimately, we started a relationship and I ended up asking him to marry me. A wrench was thrown into the mix in February of this year. I received a letter in my post office box from Joe, my ex-boyfriend. He said he wanted to apologize for shattering my heart into a million pieces and also wanted to know if I could ever forgive what he did to me. I responded by telling him I had forgiven him a long time ago and that I wasn’t so sure it was a good idea to be writing since we had agreed to do otherwise. He didn’t agree and said it might be easier because after having almost 16 months apart, he still couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror every day. Reluctantly, I agreed to write back and forth about what each of us went through in the break-up and to see how we are now. Of course I told Jose, my fiance, all about this. We have always been 100% honest with each other and I wasn’t going to keep this hidden. He became jealous, a little angry also and told me I should not have ever even read the letter from Joe to begin with. Then he demanded that I sent the letters to him so he could read them. Due to Jose’s crimes and connections on the outside, I absolutely refused! Joe broke my heart beyond any complete repair but he was NOT going to pay for it with his life or anything even remotely close. Furthermore, I wasn’t being tied to any illegal actions just because my fiance was jealous. Fuck that! Now, Jose and I are on the outs and have been since early February, when the first letter arrived in my mail box. He claims he doesn’t trust me. I told him I cannot possibly marry a man that doesn’t trust his future wife. I’ve heard nothing back from Jose on this matter. Who knows…maybe I won’t. The end is very near. It’s just that neither one of us want to be the one that lets it go. Jose was my absolutely best friend, my lover, and has an AMAZING heart and personality. I don’t think I’ll find that combination in anyone else but it’s not fair for us to stay together. We have to respect ourselves just as much as we respect each other.

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