Life

My life is pretty crazy which doesn’t help my depression. I’m a solo mum working full time.
I have excellent family ghat help me out with miss when I’m working outside of school or after school care which I’m truly grateful for. But in th same thought, I feel guilty as it’s not up to them to be looking after her. I chose to have a kid. I chose to leave her dad and do this on my own. I chose to work. These are all my own choices but each one effects more than just me, and I feel like such a failure as a mum and a burden as a daughter and sister.

I was taught all growing up to have a good work ethic and what that means. I’m a loyal worker as a result. Always have been. I will usually do extra hours, extra shifts, exhaust myself if need be just to make sure the work is done. But of course, now even that is different. Harder. I can’t always do the extra time because of my responsibilities as a mum. I have to think about what she needs more than a mum who works. I have to save energy to be able to still do things with her; enjoy my time with her, make sure she knows how special she is and how much I love her.
It’s a hard balancing act and has given me a great appreciation for my mum. She was a solo parent too but with 3 kids. 3! I struggle with 1 and she soldiered on and raised 3 kids who all made it to adulthood. I honestly don’t know how she did it as she didn’t have family support to begin with. I love her greatly for her sacrifices and choices she made for us kids and it makes me reflect on how I am as a parent.
I try my hardest. I try to make the right choices. Try to put miss first. Try to encourage her relationships with family (not just my own but her dads as well). But I find myself lacking. I know I don’t always do what’s best. There are days, even weeks, we spend mostly arguing with each other. I feel like I’m failing her more often than not. All I really know for sure is, I love that kid fiercely. I will always back her with whatever she chooses in life, even if I don’t agree. I will always have her back, and you can guarantee that I will go full mama bear on anyone who yries to purposely hurt her. She’s my everything and very literally, my readon for living.

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