Love

I have felt real, passionate, crazy love twice in my life. I would do nearly anything for either of these men. Though they are rather different from each other.

Mr 1 was my first serious boyfriend. We started off very untraditionally. He was brought up with a strong religious family. I was in a long distance relationship with someone else. We went to school together and started talking. Not really sure how it happened but somehow we both started waging school to hook up with each other. Strictly kissing, nothing more. Until he thought he was ready to have sex. I ended my relationship for Mr 1 and we dated 8 months. It wasn’t a great relationship. I loved him more than he loved me. He tried ending things multiple times and I always managed to convince him to take me back. Until the day he had had enough. He was done. It was all too tiring for him. I was too needy. Too in love. Too open with him about what I wanted. I was too much and he didn’t want life to be so hard.

The break up totally broke me. I blamed myself (still do, 11 years later) and went completely crazy ex gf on him. I moved 5 hours away because it hurt to be near him. I texted him waaay too much because it hurt not to talk to him every day. Then the lies started. I would tell him I was pregnant. Tell him I was cutting myself. Tell him I wanted to die because I couldn’t live without him. He made it worse for me because although he didn’t love me, although he didn’t want me we have continued to have sex. I am now his mistress and I would rather live this betrayal than not have him in my life.

 

Mr 2 is different but very similar. He’s younger than me and was my fiancés best friend. I seduced him (very easily) and we started an affair. I fell hard and fast for him. He said he loved me too but that was a lie. Turns out, he only started sleeping with me as revenge to my fiancé for things that had happened between them when they were kids. I started self harming rather badly because I wanted Mr 2 and he wouldn’t commit to me. Looking back, I realize that the whole thing bad me very depressed and I saw no way out. We’ve talked on and off over the past 4.5 years and he says he still wants to have sex with me but I think he’s slowly killing me. I’ve been super honest with him. He knows all of me. My many flaws, and my few good qualities. What he doesn’t know though is that it completely breaks my heart to know that he doesn’t love me. That he loves another.

I know I need to cut ties with both of them but I don’t even know if I can. I love them both so much and I mean nothing to either of them. But what hurts the most is knowing that when a guy gets to know me; completely know me; crazy and all; that they could never love me. I’m unlovable and no one wants me in their lives permanently or forever.

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