Ughhh

What do I truly feel right now. I feel abandoned, and also disappointed in myself. I pity myself too. This was not how I imagined my pregnancy would be, and look how unprepared I am. I just thought there would be someone here with me to help and support me. It also saddens me that I didn’t even get to have a baby shower. It’s all my fault anyway. I guess these are the consequences of having a baby outside of marriage. My situation makes me so sad.. and angry too. It’s so frustrating that the church wouldn’t want my child to have a father. It’s so frustrating that a group of people decided that it’s better for me to go through this pregnancy without a father. I see their point though, I understand, but I just want Monty to be here with me. I know the church will always be there for me, but it’s just not the same. I was never truly comfortable with the people there. Almost always I feel like an outsider trying to fit in, I’ve always felt like I’m not me when I’m in there, I don’t know. I’ve never been comfortable with talking to people about God, but there they pressure me to pray for them out loud, and I can’t just say that I’m uncomfortable to talk because that’s what everyone does there, they pray for each other.. out loud. I guess I have to conquer this problem of mine, but I just don’t like interacting with people 😒 Anyway, it’s so hard to see the bright side of everything these days. I feel like there’s always a dark cloud on top of my head. I feel sad, down, lonely, and I dont have anyone to talk to.. Well I have people to talk to, just not people I’m truly comfortable being with. It always feel like I have to wear a mask in front of these people, and it’s exhausting. I’m so tired pretending that I want to fight, when I know in myself that I’ve already given up. And you know what, actually even Monty can’t understand me. He’s become one of them. The last time I talked to him he wasn’t taking me seriously and it was so heartbreaking for me. I hope he knew that he’s the only one I wanted to talk to, yet he kept laughing at me and brushing off my depressing issues. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. Look at me, I’m talking to an online diary that no one even reads. I don’t even know what I need right now. I need God, yes definitely. But I’m just not ready to face God and the Truth yet. I want to escape this reality you know. Earlier thus morning when I woke up, I actually felt so sad for waking up. The first thing I did was to cry because I know I’m here again in this world, having to face the reality, that Monty isn’t talking to me, that I’ll be a single mom, that I have no job, that I am a disappointment to everyone, that I have to run this race, that I have to do a lot of things. When I really want to do is just get out of this life and restart again and do everything right. Or if I cant, I just want to sleep and never wake up. I dont want to be here anymore.

One thought on “Ughhh”

  1. You said that you know you need God. That’s true. He will never judge you or condemn you for being pregnant. He is grateful that you didn’t abort. God loves you and he will give you strength. Sounds like Monty may be immature. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. I’m sure he does, and he is just confused. Your church sounds supportive—try to receive their kindnesses. I hope when this baby comes you will be so much in love with the little tyke that all your depression will go away. And somebody did read your blog….me. Hugs and blessings!

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