Mood: Tired, Yet wide awake. Deflated. …. Jumbled.
Listening To: Apres Moi – Regina Spektor; Kiss From a Rose – Seal; Friend Please – T.O.P.
Drinking: Light Blue Gatorade (The Low Carb version)
Today, I had a lot of… questioning and self-reflecting.
I found myself doubting things I would say, think, or feel quite a lot today. I had several moments where I kept continuously reminding myself (I mean, it wasn’t that I WANTED to, I just couldn’t convince myself otherwise) that my best friend, ‘J’, for the purposes of anonymity, didn’t actually want me around, will leave me as soon as they found out I’m non-binary, or will just flat-out replace me.
I am still pretty sure that the last one, at least, is true, even if the others are questionable. I am fully aware that J has other friends. ‘K’, for example, is one of her good friends. The two of them actually have far more in common than she and I. They both like the same bands, heck, the two of them even went to a concert together, while I didn’t attend. I’m aware that that probably sounds terribly jealous of me to say that, in fact, it more than likely sounds like I resent her for doing things with other people and not me. Believe me, I don’t… I am just a bit worried that she won’t need/want me around anymore, and at that point, I will have no one.
It probably doesn’t help that I’m not telling her these things. I know that communication is key to most relationships’ health. But… It’s not even that she wouldn’t understand, really, she deals with Depression and Anxiety, so of course she would be able to comprehend my stupid problems. I’m just scared. That’s all.
It’s rather sad that I’ve have come to the point where I can no longer bring myself to confide in my best friend these dark things. Pathetic, aren’t I? Irregardless, My head is rather jumbled today, as I attempted (Not well) to convey previously. Every thought seems to be running into and mixing with every other thought recently. Hence the bizarre and rambling nature of this entry. I do apologize for that, I am doing my absolute best to make this as coherent as possible.
Anyway, that’s all for the moment. Perhaps a bit more later, particularly if I can’t sleep.
Thanks for listening,