I want a baby. I want to be a Mommy so badly. I can’t stop thinking about it and about how great it felt when I lived with my niece(from 1month old until 3) and nephew (3 until 6) and everything I did with them. I remember all the time I spent playing with them making them laugh and going to the park, I also remember arguing with them for bed time, making sure they eat their veggies and nursing them when they were sick not to mention the constant cleaning. And I miss it. I loved them like they were my own children but I couldn’t stay with my abusive husband anymore even if it meant I lost being around his niece and nephew. I think about them all the time and every time I see a child my mind races to them. I wonder how their doing in school. If he is still scared to sleep unless someone sprays the room with his homemade “Monster B Gone” spray. I wonder if she still wakes up early in the morning and walked to the bed I used to sleep in hoping I’ll be there to turn on “My Little Pony” and let her drift back to sleep in my arms. I wonder if he still loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and if she still likes lavender lotion after her bath the best. I have all these thoughts and remember so much about them and never really know what to do with it when that information comes to the front of my mind. I still adapt my behavior like their there watching me. I bought brownies the other day with the rest of my groceries and when I was putting everything away I went to put them in the empty oatmeal container so she wouldn’t see them and refuse to eat till she got one when I remembered she isn’t there to want one anymore. I don’t think I will ever get over having to leave them behind. I think about it all the time and wish I could have left my husband but kept that small bit of his family in my life but I knew I couldn’t. I miss them so badly and I want to have a child of my own because I want to pack school lunched, and take care of a child and raise it and love it but I know my boyfriend isn’t ready for that. Last time we had a scare he even made sure I got on birth control. I don’t really like being on it either if I am being totally honest. It makes me emotional, and my periods, while being more predictable are more painful. I also think about how there are so many women who have talked about the fact that after they decided to have a child and stopped taking it the hormones it put in their system lasted so long that they couldn’t have children for years after and some who never did. I’m worried that now I may have ruined my chances of having a child but at the same time I wonder what would happen if I did have a child. Would it be healthy and happy? Could it be with the multitude of genetic factors working against it from my family? Would I be able to care for a child that had server problems? Then I can’t help but think about adoption and the fact that should I really bring a child into the world when there are already so many here that have no place to be and I am just left with a hollow numb feeling and don’t know what to do next.