love them.

The other day I had a mental breakdown because of a very low grade on a physics lab I did before spring break. It was a surprisingly terrible score, even for someone as stupid as I am, and I almost started crying when I saw it.

But luckily, because I took the lab test before spring break, I have the chance to redo it. I can do it tomorrow before or after school. It’s definitely going to be after, because there’ll be fewer people, and I’ll have more time. I really want to do well on this redo, because it’s my last chance, and fuck it if I don’t take this chance to bump up my grade. That failed score dropped my physics average from a 97 to a 70…

Today was a good day. I had another physics test in the morning that I studied all last night for, and while it wasn’t the worst test I’ve ever taken, it wasn’t amazing, either. We’ll see what happens with that score.

I love the people I know. Suddenly I feel as if my heart has been split apart like a ripe tomato. I love how different they are, how beautiful they are, how smart they are, how kind they are. I just love them. I’m so grateful for them, and I know I’m lucky that they’re here for me. My friend N is the one who convinced me to take the lab before spring break; if she hadn’t, I would’ve just failed it, without any chance to redo it. These people just… they’re so wonderful and it’s almost frightening how there is so much kindness you can find from other people, even on the days you feel like dying. It’s not even just my classmates; my teachers are just as understanding. These people are so amazing that they make me want to use the word ya’ll unironically. I don’t ever say it, but it’s grown on me. It’s not as abrasive to me as it was when I first moved here, a fact that is almost irritating.

I’m still not all the way better. I still feel like dying all the time. If you were to flip open my diary, you’d find many, many continuous days of depression, apathy, and intense anger and hopelessness. I read my old entries, and I feel like sometimes they were written by someone else. But the people I know at school keep me tied here. I want to stay alive to see them every day. It’s sad, it’s sad. I just love them.

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