No intention of catching me

 

You bastard.

All you ever wanted was my body.  You stole my soul, I was nothing but a walking dead person. I lost who I was, lost my identity and wanted to die.

You were supposed to be the love of my life.  But all you did was stand there and watched me drown into a deep depression.

My mum was worried. I was wasting away.  I was so weak and fragile. Never once did you try and help me.

You loved that I was weak and vulnerable and clung on to you.  I was your little prisoner.

All those lies.  The excuses.  

I was only young, you were so much older. 

All I wanted was your love.  Yes you said you loved me, but I doubt that very much.

You loved having someone who was dependant on you. Someone too weak to walk away.

I wonder if I will ever heal.  

It’s been years but thinking of us our relationship still brings me to tears. 

I wish that I could erase you from my memory. Because all you are now is a haunting memory. Nothing more

3 thoughts on “No intention of catching me”

  1. I know what it feels like. To be haunted by the ghost of a bad relationship. Its not for the best. Its not like I learned anything from it except what its like to be hurt. Ive finally realized that relationships arent for me. I shouldnt be with anybody. People hurt me.

  2. I can relate in a way. In a very, very condensed version of events:

    I gave myself over to someone completely and utterly. Something I had never done before. This was my first real relationship (and only) which lasted a good six and a half to seven years. I supported this person in every way through thick and thin. When they were at their best, and lowest. When she was at her strongest and weakest I would always stand as her rock. But in a very short time I was smashed to pieces. I lost my job because of a departmental closure. When things got tougher financially (for maybe 3/4 months) she started comparing me to other more successful people who were just better and smarter than I was. Then she decided I wasn’t good enough and ended things over the phone like it was nothing. 7 years, waved away like a fart.

    I soon found work again, better work, and I started supporting myself again which was a huge boost for morale.

    She wanted to stay as friends which I obliged. She needed a shoulder, I was there. A cry, I was there. Money, I was there. A friend, I was there. Comfort, I was there. All to my detriment. She even shatt all over our friendship.

    I felt like crap for a very, very long time. Even now I find it hard to get close to someone because of that experience and it hurts.

    But I think that things do get better. You don’t really ‘get over it’, but you can accept it. Accepting that it happened, that it hurt, that it still hurts… made me realise that it just is not worth it. She is off doing her thing whilst I was in a dark place. Why?

    The hardest thing I did was to just stop being around her. Stop talking to her. Just stop everything that was her. It was hard at first, but the more I went about my own life, interacted with other people that were not her, the more I focused on my self, it got easier. I still think about it (3 and a half years later) but it doesn’t hurt so much.

    There really are good people out there, and sometimes we only understand who and what those people are until we see a crappier version first.

    I’m still afraid of getting close to anyone, but I’m willing to give it a try.

    I wish I could say something that would take away the hurt. Something that would make it easier. But we all go through a crucible that is unique to us, and only we can climb out of the fire. But we can climb out, and that is the hardest part.

    I don’t know you, I don’t know what you have been through or what kind of person you are in general. However, so long as your heart beats, and you feel and care and love, I believe in you, even if you don’t.

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