down, down.

Next week is a weird exam week, as sophomores and freshmen are taking their EOC exams on the mornings of Tuesday and Thursday. We’ll have thirty-minute classes in the afternoon, and there will be AP practice tests offered in the morning. I’m taking two, English III and Physics 1, and I’m terrified.

It’s worse for physics than it is for English. English I can do. Physics, not so much. I can math and I can read, but I just can’t science. All those science memes and I still can’t science.

And of course, practice exams aren’t even as bad as the real ones, which are happening in May and will murder me. Oh god. I have so many more next year, but I’m STILL incredibly salty that I didn’t take more this year. Of course, they wouldn’t have fit in my schedule, which really isn’t my fault, but… STILL.

I’m just… stressed. Incredibly stressed. I hate saying this because it makes me sound like I think I’m the only one struggling with the problem, but I really can’t cope sometimes with my emotional stability, and sometimes I’m so frustrated or upset that it’s impossible to do anything. I wouldn’t exactly call these moments panic attacks, but I kind of want to call them panic attacks. Or just internal meltdowns. It’s like my brain shuts down and the sirens are wailing and a nuclear reactor is going into some form of critical mode, and all I can do is sit and stare into space and feel my heart racing so fast I think it might fail me.

Anyway, I’ve been listening to lots of emo music. It’s not sad emo music. I don’t want to listen to anything sad. I want to listen to mellow emo songs I can either sing off-key to, or brash arrogant emo songs that make me want to stand up and headbang. I like “Everything is Alright” by Motion City Soundtrack. I also like “Sugar We’re Goin’ Down” by Fall Out Boy. I remember I used to hate FOB and P!ATD simply because I didn’t like the leads’ voices, but their sounds have grown on me.

I wanted to buy a candle at Target that smelled almost exactly like the Abercrombie stores I’ve been to. I was too cheap to do so. I always talk myself out of buying things I really want, just because I keep thinking of them in terms of other things I really want, like, oh this candle costs $6.00? I could buy one one-hundredth of an iPhone with that money. It’s ridiculous, but it helps me stop myself from impulse buying. Of course, I’ve never impulse-bought anything expensive–just stationery, notebooks I didn’t want to mess up by writing in, and trashy treats–but still. A penny saved is a penny earned. Who knows how much money I’ll need for college at this point…

It’s already tomorrow.

I feel irrelevant. I’m completely replaceable and unnoticeable in this place. The school year is ending in two months; I’m sad. I don’t know how to feel. I’m really happy, but at the same time I’m really sad. I’m writing an essay about why mental health issues should be taught in schools; that’s an issue close to my heart. Most Texas schools don’t even have proper sex-ed classes, for God’s sake. No wonder teen pregnancy rates in Texas are so goddamn high.

I slept for about three and a half hours this afternoon, and now I feel that weird buzz you get when you’re staying up late. It’s 12:20.

Sugar, your health levels are going down, down…

2 thoughts on “down, down.”

  1. Hunny, I totally get it.
    As much as I hated school, I wish I could go back and redo things and actually give a damn about big exams and, of course, ACTs. Stress is a natural thing when it comes to those things, but some of us get super stressed and the anxiety kicks in bad. I know. Ugh.
    The impulse buying is one of my worst qualities. Literally have more than enough notebooks than I can count and I never want to write in them so I don’t ruin them. It get it haha.
    Hey, remember you are valuable. Even to a total stranger you are wanted and are worth my time to read your journal<3 Chin up!

  2. If only someone would write a novel about physics. I think its not necessarily the brain unable to do the work but the format for teaching the details. Perhaps if Fifty Shades of Grey met Partial Differential Equations of Mathematical Physics I bet scores would go up.
    ‘He pulled her close wrapping his left arm around her waist. His right hand using a Net Force equal to the mass of her breast multiplied by the acceleration of his thumb on her areola was enough to send her into a moment of ectasy, or, as Isaac Newtons second law of physics would refer to it, the Formula of Force.’
    Good Luck on the exams.

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