I don’t know how to even begin this.
If I could hand you my heartbreak in your hands, what would it feel like?
First off, it would be so heavy, you would drop to the ground, unable to lift it.
It would be black as night, the kind of black that absorbs all other colors into it.
It would be repulsive and foul, whatever the hell it was.
It would be in the shape of my heart.
That is what lives inside of me at the very moment, right as we speak.
Earlier, I found myself unable to breathe as I laid in a ball on the floor with no pants on.
Gasping for air, almost unable to find it.
For 5 mins, I was lost, there on the floor. My mind racing, and repeating the words:
“He doesn’t love you. He’s moved on. He doesn’t care for you or the child you both share.”
You’re probably thinking, oh Lord, this girl is so dramatic.
Maybe. From the outside looking in.
But see, you have no idea how this story began or how long it has dragged on, and the dreams that almost, just almost, became too real.
I wont get into that now.
But I will get this off my chest at the moment;
the pain I am feeling.
Never in my 29 years of life have I felt a pain so immensely deep I cannot put into words.
There are no words.
It is the type of pain you don’t even wish on your worst enemies.
Yes. It’s that bad.
I have tried to talk and explain to my confidants what I am going through, and the pain I am in, but I can’t word it.
My words don’t do it justice.
Its almost like I wish I could let them into my brain, and show them a slideshow that I see constantly.
Or hand them my heartbreak like a physical thing they can hold and toss in their hands, and they look at it and say, “oh yea, wow, i see what you mean.”
But all I can do is try to convey this and watch them nod in pity and annoyance at me.
My chest is heavy right now.
My eyes throbbing and swollen.
No more tears can fall at the moment.
Why is this pain so heavy for me?
And why so light for him?
It must be nice for him.
Being all happy.
Being free of me.
Socipaths are always happy.
They feel nothing.
No regret. No guilt.
Ah, to feel nothing!
What a wonderful, wonderful life he must live!