Elephants

Sometimes I hear my sister tell my mom she thinks I’m depressed. Honestly I have no clue as to what depression is, how it affects me, or how to tell if I have it. Sometimes I agree.

 I’m sitting in my dorm room. Alone with my feet up against the elephant tapestry that hangs on the wall. Its 12:30, technically I have math class, Algebra 2, right now. And I’m sitting upstairs alone in the dark typing away about depression and my laziness. Do I have to try right now. Can I just sit here and think about the big picture, my future, my dreams, my loves and hates, how badly I want to be able to tell her my feelings, and want her to be happy. I wish someone else could take over my body for a day, see what I’m going through, and try to cope with the trillion emotions that run through my body every two minutes. Hatred, disapproval, love, confusion. 

I think I’m a try hard, at least sometimes. I bet everyone laughs hard when they know their in the room. Or walks down the hallway three times just to see if they’ll see you and call you. 

I wish there was a time machine. I want to see my future, now what I will do, know what decision I have to do to get there, and just make it happen. Being a teenager fucking sucks. I’m always moping around pushing off the answers. 

How do I know when I’m ‘low’. Right now, I’m feeling angry and sad, tired, and restless, irritated and curious. How can one person be feeling all these things at one time. 

In all honesty sometimes I think about self harm. Not actually doing it to myself, but what peoples reactions would be, what I would do, would I go to a retreat, would I tell my friends, how would my parents react.Truthfully I don’t know if I could do, but everyday the thought runs through my head. I think I need to see someone. Someone to clear my head, wipe away the thoughts, or at least tell the thoughts so I can move on. 

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