All my life, I’ve felt like I didn’t fit with my family. I never really got along and played with my cousins at family gatherings or with my siblings. I was always the odd one out for the kids (at least I thought so). Throughout the years, there have been the odd comment here and there that’s left me wondering if it was me. Was I excluding myself? Did I purposely set myself away from everyone else? If I did, then how do I fix it?
When invited, I do my best to go along, to join in. However, I’m still left feeling like they didn’t actually want me around. There’s one family member who I knew I was safe with. Who was always happy to see me and have me around though. That’s my dad. He’s a big part of my life and I love him fiercely but because of our bond, it made me feel like a failure. A failure because I wasn’t happy. That I depended on him and my sm so much to get through life.
There have been certain events that have helped heal some of my relationships with family. Especially with my siblings and my mum. I still get the sense that I’m a disappointment and a failure. Like i should be in a better place in my life. Not a 27yr old, solo mum working at a supermarket for minimum wage.
Trying to talk to anyone about how I feel or what’s on my mind is hard. I don’t want other people’s pity or sorrow. I’m the person who will do absolutely ANYTHING to make those around me happy. Though turn it around, anyone do anything nice for me, show they care, whatever, I feel extremely uncomfortable. I feel like I don’t deserve anyone doing that for me. I guess it’s just something I have to learn to accept.