I’ve decided to get back to journaling. Though I’ve never done it online, it really helped me when I used to keep a physical journal. With things being the way they are right now, I just need to clear my head. The stress of school, my job, and my current “guy-situation,” as I’m going to call it. It’s tough. Don’t get me wrong, my life is great. I have a loving family, great friends, a job with great people..Everything seems pretty good from the outside looking in. But sometimes things happen and everything goes dark all of a sudden. This is one of those times. I might have said some things, done some things, thought some things that I shouldn’t have. Not bad things, but there definitely could have been a better way to handle it.
Since this is the internet and I’m completely anonymous- and no one in my personal life is going to read it anyways, I’ll tell you what’s happened. There’s this guy. Funny, charming, kind, and probably the most talented guitarist I’ve ever met. Not to mention his gorgeous outward appearance. Our moms have been best friends since early childhood, but I’ve only known him for about a year or so. He’s a good guy. He focuses his time on school and gets good grades. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. He’s someone I can actually carry on a conversation with. And wow, have we had some deep ones…I feel like I know his plans for his future and what goes on inside his head. As you can probably tell, I’ve got this crush on him- which makes the whole thing more complicated. My crush is common knowledge at this point; one of my siblings found out and it’s just kind of been spread around and I’m not ashamed. Me having a crush isn’t the issue, it’s how I’ve gone about things. As everyone knows, Prom is coming up and like most, I’d really like a date. A couple months ago, I just threw out the idea to (We’re going to call him Jason for my mental sake.) Jason. I basically said I didn’t really want to go, but I didn’t have a choice and I thought it would be more fun going with a friend. Reasonable request, I’d say. Jason isn’t the type of guy who’s necessarily into the whole prom idea, so he said he’d rather go see a movie. I treated that as me asking him to prom, but he didn’t really think it was- so he forgot about it. Meanwhile, I’m stressing about prom and getting depressed because he doesn’t want to go with me. So I tell my friends. Long story short, instead of plainly asking him if he wanted to go with me, I just told my friends and stressed about it. Yesterday, Jason texted me and confronted me about it and it didn’t go as I had planned. Without realizing it, I let things spiral out of control and I put him in an awkward place because certain people talked to him about him asking me- rather than me just asking. I’m sorry if I’m not making any sense..It’s kind of hard to explain, but I hope you’re following. Our last exchange wasn’t the greatest and it ended in him telling me he wasn’t mad, but I could have handled things differently. Now, I feel as though I’ve lost him. I know i’m being dramatic, but whatever chance I had of him going with me is gone because I wasn’t up-front. Last night was utter hell. I got my apology in, but he hasn’t talked to me since. I know he needs time to process things, but I’m pretty sure he hates me now. (Once again, dramatic. But I’m a teenage girl. I have a right to be dramatic sometimes.) I’m trying to think on the bright side of things…but it’s difficult. This boy means the world to me- whether he realizes it or not. I was scared to ask up front, so I chose not to.
I don’t really know how to end this. I just needed to clear my head. Maybe I can try and be okay now.