113, what’s next

I’m on my way to TA certification. I feel a sense of accomplishment at what I have done so far. I am a little torn about whether this is what I really want to do. I think it will be good for my family – to be on the school schedule. But do I want to work with kids every day? I need to find the answer for myself quickly. If this is the route I want to go I would need to quit my current job and get on the sub list. I spoke with a school OT in one of the local districts. She confirmed what I had sensed – that you need to sub to get a foot in the door in the schools. This will be a hard sell to H.

I’ve been emailing with L and it is causing me some mixed feelings. Today I am trying not to be obsessed as I was yesterday with checking my email. I’ve discovered some powerful new music upon L’s suggestion. I do love it. But it reminds me of him. I want to loosen that connection between the music and him. This morning I was thinking of him and I smiled. I can smile – it took a few years – and not cry out of anger or sadness or shame over him. I can smile at having had the opportunity to meet him and learn from the experience. Learn about myself from knowing him. For that I am thankful. And I need to move on. Again. I’ll keep coming back. But it’s time to put some distance between us for now.

H and I are doing well. I love him so…..I do. He ran a PR half marathon on Sunday. I’m so proud of him. The kids are great. Doing really well academically and socially. I can’t ask for more than that. I took D and her friend to the mall to do some fun things on Saturday.  They had a good time. And I got to get some new shoes.  Win-win.

I am trying to let go of the hold that weight and food have on me. I am not feeling as fit as I have in the last few years. I’m being hard on myself and I need to stop. I just want to be calm about food and appearance. Not anxious. Everything I put in my mouth or put on my body carries a judgement with it. I have to stop this. I need to just allow. Just be. Not judge. I recently heard someone say something to the effect of “talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend or loved one. Be kind and gentle with yourself. “

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