No word on the DOE job. No word from any job prospect. I’m just sitting here, not earning any income. My mind is moving in a million directions. I don’t know what I should do. I am completely alone in the world. I have no one to go to- truly no one. I should have gone to that ACOA meeting last night. I didn’t think about it until 7pm and it started at 6. I guess I need to look at the schedule again and find the next one and try to go to it. I want to try to at least do a little something each day this week- something. Yesterday I went to the diner they used for the exterior shots of Monk’s on Seinfeld. That was something that I wanted to do/see. I am thinking about going to the Met today. I literally have nothing to do, and I think I can get in free with my IDNYC. If not, you can pay what you want there, so I could get in cheap. I also thought I might go to The Book of Mormon ticket lottery. If you get picked, you can get a seat for $32.
I beat myself up all day, every day about every mistake I’ve ever made in my entire life. No joke. I can list my mistakes from about 8th grade on. I don’t know how to stop doing that. I know that I desperately need to stop doing that, but I just don’t know how. I feel like I would need to have amnesia in order to put it out of my head. That constant wrestling with my past makes me think I can’t ever be normal or happy. It’s what makes me think I will be just like I am now until I die- alone and miserable- hating myself every day for every mistake I’ve ever made.