3/29/17 – 2:09 am

Feeling: …I feel like a deflated balloon being crushed by a vice.


I want to swim down.  When you’re drowning, you’re supposed to swim up.  … I can’t even see the surface anymore, so swimming down seems like it would be just as easy.  


The faster I drown, the easier it is for everyone involved.  I hate the fact that I keep coming up for air only to sink back down again.  The bit of breath makes suffocating even more painful when I no longer have it. I should just stop swimming   Why do I keep fighting it?

It’s not like anyone will notice when I finally let go of that last little bit of breath… They don’t see me thrashing at the surface, they certainly won’t see me unconscious at the bottom of the pool.  


Emerald already had Horse lined up.  She doesn’t need me anymore.  I could disappear off the face of the earth and it wouldn’t even FUCKING matter.   I’d give her a week, before she notices I’m gone.  Two weeks before she stops looking.  …Three week before she doesn’t even feel the pain of my absence, if she did at all.  


…That’s a lie.  She would miss me.  Doing anything to myself would just hurt her… I *know* that.   But she’d move on.  She’s good at that.   It’d be like ‘S’…  I can’t even remember he birthday anymore, and now I can’t even give her my thoughts by chalk. 


… It wouldn’t matter to ‘S’ if I died.

…It wouldn’t matter to anyone. 


Well, Thanks for listening…  It didn’t really help this time.


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