Oh god. Oh god. I just realized when I wrote the date that tomorrow is my anniversary. Last year, I was hoping we’d get married again on that day. That didn’t work out, did it? I am about as far from that as I could possibly be. I feel like I am in a place in my mind that is so foreign to me. In my mind, I cannot imagine that I will live much longer. I have got to stop contacting people who don’t want to hear from me. I have to stop reaching out to people that don’t want me in their life. My past eats away at me daily. I hate myself for every last mistake I’ve made. I can’t get the mistakes out of my head. I say I hate myself many times a day. I know that’s only making it worse. I have read all the psycho babble about how being positive is necessary and what you say you create and all that bullshit. I do try to do that from time to time. It’s pretty hard to keep up when you are as deep in a hole as I am. I literally have no one. My son is the only person that will talk to me. My daughter doesn’t answer my calls. She says she’s busy. She never calls me. My son doesn’t,either, but at least he will answer when I call him. No wonder I’m ready to give up. Who the hell would keep trying in my situation.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."