Down

The past few days, I’ve felt really good. Too good as it turns out. I thought I had found a nice guy to fulfill what I needed,  did things I liked. He’s an amazing guy. So sweet, kind, always happy… too good for me it turns out. I’m not good enough for him. He said that things shouldn’t have happened between us. That he regrets it. But we’re still friends. I pretended that I was fine with his choice. Pretended like he didn’t just hurt me with his rejection. Pretend like I wasn’t just going to go home and pathetically cry over him. But that’s exactly what I did… for 2 hours. Except crying didn’t make me feel better. It just gave me a headache. All I want to do is get in the car and drive, but I can’t. I have responsibilities tomorrow. I have a job that I can’t just walk out of. I’ve got family. I may have let myself down, but I can’t let everyone else down as well. So, I cut myself. 3 times with a razor blade.

It’s the first time I’ve ever cut myself. It didn’t hurt like I expected it to. Weirdly it helped though. I still hurt inside. I still feel rejected and unwanted. But it’s all a little less intense than it was. It has eased, even if just for awhile.

 

I’m not coping with life and I don’t know how much fight I have left…

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