Love

LOVE, is a very complicated thing. There is a major difference between loving someone and actually being IN love with them. Loving someone to me, is just a person to kill the heart ache of the other person you are IN love with. All though you have fun with this one person, you will never get your mind off the person you truly love. It is hard to move on from being IN love when you know this person feels the same way you do… so here is my story about loving someone when i’m still IN love with someone else. It all ended between my boyfriend and I in early summer of 2016. We were dating for year and he broke up with me over text… I wasn’t sad about the relationship ending, I actually felt joy and relief. I knew I didn’t want a relationship going into college that fall and he was 2 years younger than me. In my eyes our relationship wasn’t perfect. I found myself most nights crying myself to sleep, but we had a lot of great memories too. After it ended between us, I moved on and enjoyed summer. Unlike him… I kept getting messages from him saying that he missed me and wanted to see me before I left for college. I gave him that chance of seeing me. In my mind I was secretly hoping he wanted to make things right between us and was going to apologize for everything. That didn’t happen. I got coffee with him a couple weeks before I left for college. I got in the car with him and automatically he started acting like a hard ass. Acting as if he was so much happier and better without me. Even though deep down I knew he wanted me back. We sat down and had some conversations that made him look like a douche bag. I thought to myself…”why would you ever act so rude to someone you’re in love with and push them away?” After that day I stopped talking to him completely. I gave him the benefit of the doubt to make things right and he only made them worse between us. I left for college and ended up finding someone else. I told myself myself I wasn’t going to get into a relationship freshmen year… and look where that ended me. So I start dating this new kid. He is completely different from my X and I love that. My X then starts texting me and asking me if i’m happy with this new guy and I tell him yes. After that my X and I stop all conversation and connection. I was ready for change and someone new, but this someone new was the person I just loved. It’s hard to say this but this new guy was killing the heart ache of my X who I was still IN love with. As time flew by with this new guy I knew we weren’t gonna last. We were very different people who didn’t understand each other. I just kept telling myself to keep trying with him since you’re having fun. But then Christmas break came a long and I was home from college for a whole month. Memories and thoughts of my X kept popping up everywhere. The feelings came rushing back… I was still IN love with him. He eventually moved on and starting dating another girl who happened to look very similar to me. I was crushed to see all the pictures of them together, knowing that I should be the one standing next to him in those pictures. I eventually broke down and texted him. I missed him and I knew I couldn’t lose him at least as a friend. I wasn’t planning on breaking up him and his new girlfriend. As long as he was happy that’s all that mattered to me. After the long talk we had we began to talk a lot more and grow a stronger bond, a friendship. I went back up to school after break was over and we began face timing each other for hours at a time. We talked about our new relationships a lot and our relationship we had. It was good for us to reminisce on all the good times we had together, but it was also bad too. We were both still IN love with each other. I eventually broke up with my boyfriend. No, it wasn’t because of my X it was because we were so different and I couldn’t lead him on. Why be with someone you love when you’re not IN love with them and know you will never be? As for my X who i’m still madly IN love with, is still dating this girl. I know he is happy, but not fully happy like he was with me… he would tell me about their problems over face time. When we did face time he would also give me mix signals like he wants me back, but then says he doesn’t know if we will ever date again. How to do move on from someone you’re so madly IN love with and will always love no mater what? It’s almost been a year without seeing him in person… i’m afraid to see him. Knowing if I do it will rekindle what we had and I don’t know if that’s best for us. I think it’s time to move on and close this chapter of my life. There will always be a spot for him in my heart, but I will never be able to truly love again if I can’t let go. As cheesy as this sounds it’s very true… “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, It was never meant to be.”

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