Quiet night

 Today I read something very interesting. It was on the “positive” things that we say to those suffering with depression that can be insulting, hurtful, and ignorant. One thing I realized in reading that is that it went along with a lot of things that happen in life. The “positive” things that people do sometimes turns out to be hurtful. One of those phrases was “you choose to be happy or not,” actually no, we don’t. Depression or not, happiness is an emotion. Emotions are not chosen, they are felt. Happiness, like any other emotion, is felt and not simply on or off. If this were the case, instead of mourning during funerals we would be doing the two step and singing at the top of our lungs. Emotions are not chosen, they are felt. They aren’t something any one of us can turn on or off. So, simply saying that is insulting and ignorant at the same time. It’s dismissive of the other emotions that someone feels during what they are going through. One thing that keeps getting bandied about is “you don’t know what someone is going through” and this is very true. Even with friends because many people around my age were taught that emotions outside of appearing happy and well-adjusted meant there’s something wrong with you. If we took a moment to sit down and think about these supposedly “positive” things that we feed each other we’d learn that a lot of it is hurtful and demeaning. Actually, I’ve known this for years. This is the link and I think that everyone should give it a read and think about it. http://iheartintelligence.com/2017/03/29/friend-with-depression/  Just like saying “snap out of it already”. I heard that quite a bit. Move on, be strong, all that stuff. The reason? All this is supposed to pick a person up. When it doesn’t that’s when well-meaning friends will tell you that you MUST need professional help. No. They are emotions. They don’t turn on and off at will. I thought I had a support system, but I didn’t. The truth is that no one wants to hear you when you’re upset, sad, or what have you. No matter what I’ve read, it has all said the same thing. Having those friends that simply listen. I have two. Even one of those is iffy. The rest of my “friends” either was just gossip digging because it brought them joy or the rest got upset because they gave advice and I didn’t follow it. This is why they walked away. I didn’t follow their “advice”. Yet, they never took a moment to realize that all I needed was to talk. That I needed to get things out. For someone to simply listen. Instead they made excuses and stupid reasons so that they could dump me off with a clean conscious. Sad really. It just showed me the friends they really were. Hell, I was told by someone named “Perverted1” (I had to see the irony in this,) that I just attract the wrong type of men as far as my love life. Somehow I just didn’t see how the irony could be missed.

We feel that need to have everyone love themselves and feel worthy of all this. The truth is that people have emotions. We don’t know what they’re going through. We don’t know what they feel. We don’t know. Many have been trained through the years that to hide everything and do what’s right. Ones like me. Yet, at the end of the day we are the ones that are alone. We are the ones that feel that no one cares. Why? Because no one honestly does. They will claim it but it’s too much to actually do or show it. It’s far easier to just say it. Or “you should really stop being negative” and much the same. What I have learned is that it’s not being negative all the time. It’s being honest or logical. People choose to call it negative because it doesn’t fit into what we’re being fed these days. That there’s something wrong with people because they would rather feel their emotions and know them as opposed to hiding them away. It’s not stress management. It’s not anything more than knowing how they feel. I don’t like myself and never have. I have zero self-worth as it’s called since self-esteem is cliché. It has never stopped me from doing what I feel is right. It has never stopped me from helping people. It’s never stopped me from trying to be a friend to my friends, even if most of them just took from me and nothing more. It also means that I can still laugh when something’s funny. I can still say good things to those rare friends that I still have. The only thing that I learned from those that walked away or “went silent” as one said, that you can’t say anything about how you feel. That you can’t be yourself at all. Even with the “positive” friends or those that claim they are, you can’t be yourself around them. Actually, in reading much of what I have, if you are yourself no matter who you are around anyone they will immediately tell you how you can better yourself. How you can do this, this, and this to make yourself better. The truth is, what they tell you is unless you’re like them, you can’t be yourself in any way. Yet, they are the first ones to tell you to be yourself. Huh? Most will use buzz words like “honor yourself” or “honor your feelings” or some such like that. The truth is they are simply buzz words. Words that sound good. They do nothing. Then again, I’ve been more of an ‘actions speak louder than words’ type of person. We can use words to cover things up or mislead ourselves into things. With actions, we really can’t always lie with those. Nonverbal body language it was called. Take the Ogre for example. He’d beat the hell out of me, but quickly buy “I’m sorry” gifts after, tell me he’ll change and it will never happen again, or try to rationalize what he had done. The Lion had done it as well in his own ways. The Dragon never did because he never had his own money to do anything. Yet, he would also in his own ways. The Hermit was never sorry for anything because he never accepted responsibility for any of his actions. To him, it was always someone else and not him. Actions will always be what I pay attention to which is why sometimes there’s a rare one (like the Knight) that will always confuse me by their actions. Another example, the Lion. He would claim many times over that he wanted to marry me, but instead of buying the ring and being patient, he would tell me that he would only buy the ring if he could marry me right after giving it to me. The words were sweet as they were intended. The truth? His actions. If he was truly serious, he would have given the ring and asked the words. We couldn’t marry for specific reasons, but I had said many times that I had no issue with a long engagement. Sadly, I’ve seen him once more traveling that fast path once more. At the end of the day, we are who we are. Friends will accept it even if they don’t agree with it. Loved ones will accept it even if they don’t agree with it. I would rather be known for being honest about how I feel and who I am than trying to pretend, use buzz words, and knowing that my actions say a lot. I may feel lonely and unloved/unlovable often, but I do feel. That’s what is important after all. So is that I still do what’s right at the end of the day.

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