I am not better. I feel so sick. I slept until 10:30 today. I am sleeping later and later. I am not leaving the apartment hardly ever- only 2 times out in the last 3 days. I am so depressed, so anxious, I am near panic.
My father sat in his house and died of a heart attack because he didn’t have health insurance and he was afraid to go to the doctor or hospital because he would run up a big bill. He sat there and died because he couldn’t afford to get help. One of the string of tragedies that has been my life. Now, I am sitting in this apartment in a city where I don’t know a soul and I don’t know how I will keep living. My head is spinning from the mess I have made of my life. I don’t know what to do.
Later, that same day…
It is now 10:38pm. I am feeling a little better. I got up and walked to the store and bought myself a piece of carrot cake. I also took a 1/2 a Xanax. I’m sure that took the edge off. I may just have to do that daily until I get in a better place. What I need to do is remind myself of all the things I hated about Kentucky that made me want to move here in the first place. The rednecks the hillbillies the backward ass people the bullshit religion everywhere. I need to take myself down out of panic mode and give myself at least one year to figure this out. If I’m in no better shape when my lease is up, then I can pack my ass up and go back, but I’ve not been here long enough. I have to try.