remember summer days.

It started raining this morning. The rain has stopped now, and the puddles have started to disappear from the dips in the ground.

The sun is shy today. It seems to be quietly radiating a blanket of heat without showing its face. Now it’s come out.

Tomorrow will be a sunny day.

I was messaging my friend in the morning. She’s in China, of course. So I suppose I was keeping her up, which I shouldn’t do, but at the time I didn’t realize it. I sent her a picture of the whiteboard I helped draw on Friday (because I am stupid and I feel very proud of that sea-themed masterpiece). We just talked for a while. It was really nice. She wanted to see pictures of my homework, so I sent those to her, and she got a kick out of seeing them.

I’ve been talking to my other friend recently. She’s been experiencing emotional problems because of a boy. It’s complicated. She likes him, but he likes her best friend. So her emotions are all mixed and weird. I think she’s feeling a little better now, but I can’t be sure because there’s only so much you can tell about a person through instant messages. Her friend isn’t going to date that boy, so maybe she feels a little less jealous. I can’t be sure. I can’t really relate to her boy problems, simply because I’ve never experienced such a strong crush on anyone. My undying love for Dan Howell doesn’t count.

Anyway, the only homework I have this week is about physics. Physics, physics. I really am worried about it. I’m passing the class (with a sad B at this point) but it’s a little doubtful if I’ll be able to pass the exam in May. Sigh.

Summer makes me sad. My life almost always changes in summer. I move to new places, finish grade levels, and go to new schools during and after summer. It’s sad. Really. I remember when I was a little kid in Virginia, and the rain would shower down, and then a rainbow haze would appear in the sky and everything would be fresh and wet, as I saw the world through the glass door. Memories from my brief happy childhood. I remember it raining while my parents drove me somewhere–doesn’t matter where–just the yellow brightness of the grocery store, or the dry stillness of the library–and the rain trickling along the coldness of the windows. I remember that car smell, the smell of wet blacktop, the phssshhhh sound our tires made on the ground. Sad.

It smells different outside when it rains. I would say that summer makes me sad, but then all four seasons make me sad. I keep remembering happy days when I was younger, or maybe even not that much younger. It’s funny how the further away some memories get, the happier and warmer and purer they seem. It’s sad. I really just miss everything. I’m happy, but it’s a weird and sad sort of happiness. Everything at this point just makes me sad, for some weird reason. I think it’s just because this school year is ending very very soon, and I can do nothing but watch my junior year slip away. It’s terrible. I miss everyone, my old friends, my new friends, my family (when it was an actual happy family unit), myself. I think I’ve changed a lot. I don’t know how or why or when; it just happened. I’m so different now, I hardly recognize the old me. Or any versions of me.

Summer makes me nostalgic. So many different things have happened to me in summer. I can’t believe that almost a year ago I was sitting in my old room waiting for it to be August so I could move here.

This is very sad, isn’t it? I really wish it wasn’t. I’m very happy right now, but I can’t seem to make myself sound like I am. I’m really tired all the time.

My eyesight is getting worse and worse and worse.

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