Sunday April 2nd

Today is a new day and I’m going to be better today. Yesterday I was in the pit, but I am not going to let that happen today. I am too strong to be beaten. I have survived so much bullshit. My crazy ass parents, my childhood that no kid should have to endure, my fucked up Adult Child of an Alcoholic issues- the PTSD, the anxiety, the depression, the guilt! oh the guilt! Guilt over everything I do! No matter what I choose, I feel it was the wrong thing. No matter what I do, I feel bad about it and ashamed of myself. I have made it 47 years, carrying baggage that no human being should have to carry. I cannot give up now. I have got to keep trying, keep pushing, keep looking forward- STOP beating myself up over the past. I have to remember that there was a whole lot wrong with my life in Kentucky or I wouldn’t have been motivated to move away from it. I need to remember that that there was a whole lot wrong with my husband- he was far from perfect- he is still a liar – I don’t even know what all he has lied to me about. I am smarter than him, and I am better looking than him. He would have been lucky to have me back. That is his loss. I would have probably been sorry within a matter of months, if not weeks, that I had gotten back with him. He got on my last nerve when we were together before. Fuck him. His loss. He never treated me well- I will be fine by myself. Maybe I will find someone new that will be good to me, but if I don’t, I am fine by myself. I have to stop trying to go back to my past. I have to stop reaching back and only look forward. I am going to keep pushing. I have to get going with my DOE job before I give up and decide this place is not for me. I owe it to myself to give this a full year before I give up. I know I can get a job. I know I am smart and if anyone can pass those damn tests, I can. I will pass those mother fuckers. I just need to find out what to study. 

I am going to start my walks again today. I have laid on my ass for the last 3 days and it stops today. 

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