I have always felt different and have always felt disconnected with people around me. I felt as though my brain was wired differently.
Life has always been very confusing. Finding other people’s behaviour, their unpredictability has brought me great stress and anxiety. One minute someone seems to adore my bones then the next they barely ever speak to me.
Some people have initially seemed like beautiful human beings, nice, kind and caring. Then out of no where their personality changes they only want me for their own benefit. Normal people would be able to sense from the start that these individuals are manipulative. I have always find it really hard to judge someone’s character and guess their intentions.
Academically I have always done pretty damn well considering have never studied and assignements have always been complete a couple of days prior to hand in. I used to get so annoyed with myself, I really wanted to do well but my mind was all over the place. Instead of studying I would be outside having a cigarette every five minutes or I would feel overwhelmed with exhaustion and have to go back to bed.
In my last workplace I was a bit of a joke. My disorganisation, clumsiness and lack of people skills certainly did not go unoticed. My colleagues would snap at me and get really pissed off that I struggled to multitask. I tried with that job I really tried, but it just wasn’t enough.
Anyway a couple of days ago I found the answer as to why my life has been such a struggle. I was diagnosed with aspergers, ADHD and dyspraxia.
I know that to some people that having these labels doesn’t make a difference as they are conditions I have had my entire life. BUT at least now when someone calls me dopey, clumsy, shy or awkward I no longer have to feel bad about myself. My brain has been created differently to the majority of the populations so of course I am going to appear differently.