It’s been a while since I wrote a journal entry. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and I need to talk about it.
Do you ever look at someone and know they are hurting? They are hurting so bad that they block out everyone around them, but when someone asks them if they are okay they say they are fine and put on the most convincing smile they have so they don’t have to talk about it? I know someone like this. It was about 4 years ago I started dating this guy. He was really nice very sweet, he knew all the right things to say. He didn’t have the best home life. His parents always fought, him and his brother lived with there grandparents. A few months into the relationship things started to change. He changed…
He started acting weird, he barely texted me anymore and I didn’t know what was going on. At the time my phone was messed up. I could receive calls but couldn’t make one. He called me that night and was talking about his parents. He said that he feels like it was his fault that his parents argued all the time, and it would just be better if he wasn’t here anymore. I talked to him for a good five hours that night. Towards the end on the conversation he told me he loved me and that he was sorry then the line went dead. I knew what was coming. I fell to my knees crying and screaming at God “why are you doing this to me?”, “don’t take him..” . I didn’t know what to do. I ran into my house grabbing my stuff, putting my shoes on as fast as I could. I ran into my moms room screaming “Mom we have to get over there I think he’s going to kill himself!!”. My mom jumped up and woke up my sister. I was praying “please don’t let him do it, please don’t take him from me.” As we walked out of my house my phone started ringing, it was him. I answered and he told me he was going to do it he had the gun in his hand about to fire but something inside him told him he shouldn’t do it.
I will never forget that night for as long as I live. It was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever been through. I still have dreams about it. It opened my eyes that day of how serious suicide is. It can hurt so many people. If you ever feel like you’re not important to anyone and that is the only way out, it’s not many people care for you. Even if it doesn’t seem that way someone does care.