Entry #4 – Looking Forward Only Sends You Further Back

My last journal entry happened while I was going through an extremely tough time. It’s over now, but my situation remains the same. I’m still not satisfied with how the world is, and I still wish I was dead. I never knew you could feel a pain that wasn’t physical, and let me tell you, it hurts so much more than a flesh wound.

I doubt there are people who can relate to what I’m going through right now, despite how many people say otherwise. It’s all bullshit.

But I digress. The reason I’m here is to explain why I wish I was never born.

I’ll try and get to as many reasons as I can, but I think the number one reason is because I don’t have a future. And no, I don’t mean like I have some sort of disease that’ll kill me before I turn thirty, the world is too cruel to give me something like that. Instead, I have something that I can’t justify. I’m an introvert, and if you don’t know what that is, look it up.

The short version is that social interaction scares me half to death, and just leaving the comfort of my own home makes me nervous and nauseous. I couldn’t buy things at a store, check out a book at the library (unless it’s a self-checkout), or order at a restaurant. These things are extremely difficult for me, so can you imagine what getting a job would be like?

Besides being introverted, I’m just not willing to work and make money, interact with people, and do things along those lines. The thought scares me, and knowing that one day I’ll be thrust into the world and forced to make my own money to survive scares me even more.

The worst part is that this isn’t some disability that I can get a check for. I can’t justify this, so I’m on my own. I also refuse to be a beggar. I’m not without pride, and I’d rather go hungry than swallow it.

This is why I don’t have a future. Someone who can’t work or make money is going to die, plain and simple. So why wait? That’s reason number one.

Furthermore, I’m a burden on everyone around me. I don’t clean or take care of anything in the house despite living there. I merely consume food and water, and by extension, money. I’m no good to anyone, and it’d take someone with incredible integrity and pity to let me live off of them. I’d be an embarrassment to anyone who took me in.

I’m a freeloader. A worthless pile of shit that doesn’t deserve to live with anyone. That’s another reason why I believe that I don’t deserve to be alive at all.

I don’t take showers or brush my teeth unless told to, sometimes multiple times. I get lectured a lot about how I’ll never get a girlfriend or wife at this rate, but it’s not like I ever wanted one in the first place. As I said above, I’m no use to anyone. No one needs me. Even my own mother would be better off without me, despite what she may say.

Since my last entry, I’ve had a taste of the rich life courtesy of my father. But me and him have never gotten along, even when I was younger. As much as I complain about being dirt poor, I never said I wanted to be rich either. I don’t like living in five-star hotels all the time, and traveling to Vegas and other popular places for vacation. I’d prefer to spend a vacation at home, playing video games or writing my stories.

But the thing about my father is that he never listens to or cares about what I say. He’s always doing what he thinks is best for us, but he never takes into account my introverted nature. He’s so quick to invite people over to meet us, despite the fact that I dislike social interaction. And then he has the gall to get mad at me for being disrespectful, when he couldn’t respect the fact that meeting people isn’t something I like to do.

We had a fight earlier today, the two of us. The way it started was when he brought home dinner for us. I was about to take my portion and go back to my room like usual when he told us that we were going to eat at the table. “No problem,” I thought, “I’ll just eat later once everyone is done.” But as I placed my portion back and began to leave, he ordered me to sit at the table with them and watch them eat, and proceeded to lecture me on the importance of social interaction in the real world.

See, he doesn’t know about me wanting to die, and I didn’t plan on telling him, for fear of being put into some sort of mental institution. So I sat there and took his lecture, and left once everyone finished eating. One of the things I hate about him the most is how he always acts like he knows everything about everything. He always assumes that what he says is right and that whatever I say to defend myself is me being rebellious. He also has a knack for turning an argument so that it looks like I’m the bad guy.

Anyway, he told me things like how I wouldn’t be able to buy food from a supermarket if I don’t develop these social skills, but there are two problems with that.

One, I can just order online. Online shopping is something that introverts rejoice at the notion of. But then there’s two, where it’s not like I’ll have the money to buy anything anyway. If I can’t get a job, then how am I going to get money to buy things?

I think the biggest hindrance to my life is my pickiness. I am in fact a picky eater, and it has not made my life easy by any means. Being picky isn’t something that can be cured. I was born liking certain foods and disliking others, and there’s nothing that can change that. My father doesn’t seem to care though, and insists that I try to eat anything I can so I can expand my tastes. I tell him all the time that I have a…sixth sense, you could say. I can usually tell when I’m going to like a food or not, and nine times out of ten I’m right. That’s why I’ve come to rely of this sense to help me avoid wasting food.

Like I said before, my father doesn’t care. He also doesn’t care about catering to my needs. In addition to my pickiness, I also have ADHD. This hinders me in a lot of ways, but one of the most important for daily life is that there are times when I can’t sit or lay down. I need to at least be standing up, if not moving around (though not vigorously, like exercising). I can usually satisfy this feeling while simultaneously being on my computer by simply placing my computer on a high platform, so that I can still use it while standing up at the same time.

The high platform I (used to) use in this situation is a dresser in my room.

However, recently my father has brought a television into the room (I share it with my siblings by the way). Even after I explained my ADD issue to him, daddy dearest abruptly and completely disregarded anything I said and still ended up putting the TV on the dresser. During that argument I mentioned we had earlier, he lectured me on showing him respect since I purposely looked away from him.

As he said that, I thought to myself “Where the hell was your respect when you ignored everything I said about me using that dresser to alleviate my ADD and put the TV there?!”

Phew, I’m actually pretty beat from writing this. The reason I called this what I did is because despite my last entry being so negative, I’m even further back than I was then even though I’ve “recovered”.

It’s just that so many things have been going wrong for me that I can’t even begin to put them all in this journal. I hope that I’ve been able to shed at least a little light on my situation. And who knows? Maybe I can explain a little bit more in the future.

 

Thanks for listening.

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