ugh

I want to drink, Im thinking of ways to get to seven eleven and get me some alchohol

get me some wine, or some flavored beer. I am sad, I am miserable, I THINK I might know why, I am back in this cycle, back in this carousel . I know this is a very unhealthy coping mechanism

I am also far away from God, I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS, and I Have no one to talk to about this but this stupid online journal. Also I Have feelings for James, and I have no idea how he feels, I think i know, but i dont like it

Part of me wants to rip the band aid, tell him that I love being his best friend, im attracted to him and I want to kiss his stupid face, but im also terrified, because, he doesnt treat me the way I would want a boyfriend to treat me, and yes he is not my boyfriend. yes  he does care about me, but does he love me? am i what he wants?

i feel so confused, so sad, so miserable

i cant go on living this way, i know that there is little i can do,

he want to go to S. korea next year,  so

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