When your world changes without a warning

My heart feels empty but heavy. 
Does that make sense? 
I guess it doesn’t have to, nothing makes sense right now. 

My grandma passed away around noon today. April 4th, 2017 just like that she’s gone. Within seconds- my life changed. 

I was napping with Sawyer. I saw I had a couple of missed calls and then my little cousin Bella messaged me and said, “Hey kt” she never messages me. I knew something was wrong. I listened to my voicemail and listened to my aunt Linda’s voicemail first. 
I don’t think I got all the way through the message. All I heard was “grandma died” and something about how they were all going to the hospital. 
I was nursing my son, he was asleep. I whipped my whole body up called my auntie and all I could say was “no”  “no no no no no no no no” over and over. And I only remember her saying, “I know, I know” 

I felt like I was panicking. Nothing was okay. 

I had to wait for Jacob to get home so he could drive our son out to my other grandparents and drive me to the hospital where they were holding my grandma’s body so I could say my good-bye. 

My dad didn’t know until after I knew. I called him. Without missing a beat he answered the phone and said, “Hey Pumpkin!” in his chipper voice. He had no idea. I said, “Dad, grandma passed away” He reacted the way I did. A simple, “no” came from his mouth though. Or maybe it was, “What? No.” I had to tell my dad that his mother was gone. 

I got to the hospital around 2:30 maybe? I have no idea. I saw my uncle outside right away. After walking down the longest hallways and my nerves getting heavier and heavier I saw my dad leaning on the counter. He looked at me and collapsed into my arms. I don’t know if he was holding me up or if I was holding him up all I know was he wasn’t letting go. 
I asked him if he saw grandma yet. He did. He said it wasn’t going to be easy and I asked him to go into the room with me.

Room 126

What was in there? The shell of my grandma. She had left. But I swear I was waiting for her to wake up, twitch, anything!! I just wanted her to move. Just to give me a sign she was with me. 
I didn’t get to say good-bye. The last time I talked to her was Sunday night. She was okay. She was my grandma still. 

Monday she fell from her wheelchair. It was my day off. I call her EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. but on Monday I didn’t. I was so exhausted from being sick the previous week. It was rainy. I was lazy all day with Sawyer. Spent most of the day on the couch. Monday night my aunt called while  I was asleep to say grandma fell from her scooter and didn’t remember how it happened. 

Last April my grandpa passed away- which was also so incredibly hard. My grandma missed him so much. She was lonely in that big house. She wanted to be with my grandpa again. Shouldn’t I find peace that she has that? 
I don’t.
Call me selfish. 

I want her here. She loved watching Sawyer grow. She loved to hear about him. 
I called her every day on the way to work, on the way back from work, on the way to drop Sawyer off, and picking him up. I called her to tell her small things about my day. 

My phone feels light. Pointless. I don’t call anyone else really. Not every day. She’s been my every day for years. I didn’t get to tell her good-bye. 

I hugged her shell today.  The very last hug I’ll ever give to her and she couldn’t feel it. I put my head on her cold body, which wasn’t weird to me. Her skin was always so cold and nice feeling. So soft. 

This whole post is all over the place. I don’t care. I needed to write. I’m following my brain pattern right now and nothing makes sense. I just need to write. 

Jacob held me for a while when he got home. He doesn’t ever know how to deal with things like this, but he’s always there to help me when things go twirling down. That’s such an important thing. A reminder. He is there. He is present and I’m not alone. 

My mind feels alone right now. I feel very lost. 

Who am I going to call every single day? Anyone could offer and it wouldn’t help. It’s not the same. My grandma is my diary. If I’m annoyed at anyone or anything she knows. If I’m sad she knows. If I’m happy she knows. 
Now I will talk to the sky and just hope she hears me. I need her to hear me. 

I would have never been ready to lose my grandma but this was so unexpected. 
With my grandpa the 3 last weeks he was here was awful. We watched him get weaker every day. But my grandma went from normal health to gone in less than an hour. 

I don’t understand this and I don’t know when I will.

I’m already scared of my phone. I’m terrified that I will call her out of habit. Because I know I will. I know I will. 
When I drive my long drive to my moms and back it’s going to be very lonely for me and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. 

I still need my grandma. 
She helped raise me. 
It just wasn’t time. 

I’m so terrified of tomorrow.  Today was hard enough to figure out how to get through. 
Tomorrow I go to work. 
Tomorrow might be an okay day. It might end up being a terrible day. 

I don’t know. 

I just know I miss her. I’m always going to miss her. 
This is too deep of a hole. 

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