What do you do when you love someone who you think doesn’t love you back? What happens when that person you’ve been sharing the past six years of your life with suddenly seem like they’re walking away and you’re still trying to hold on? It’s like that picture with the hand holding the rope. Does it hurt to hold on? Or hurt more to let go. These are the thoughts going on my mind tonight. To let go of what we’ve built, the home we’ve made because things right now don’t feel okay. Communication is lacking between us, and things can’t be said without one offending the other. I know looking through his phone was a bad thing, but then how would I have ever known how horrible his “best friend” thinks of me, and how he doesn’t try to defend me at all. I don’t shed a tear when he goes out of town for a week at a time every couple of months to see his friend without me (although I did shed a tear the first time it happened) I do everything for him and I see that he isn’t appreciative of me. Is this what he really thinks of me? Or is his friend brainwashing.
I keep thinking that if we break up I’ll be nothing. I’ll have nowhere to go. My heart will be torn in two because he has been the person I have truly loved for the last six years. But things are so different now; they say the honeymoon phase does end, but what happens when there isn’t any romance whatsoever in the relationship. What happens when you wear your heart on your sleep and he’s as tough as a wall. You get dressed up just for him and he can’t even tell you that you look nice. You ask for a date night and he laughs and says those don’t exist anymore. You tell him that you feel unloved, and ugly and under appreciated and he tells you to grow up and stop being a baby. What happens when you’re in love with someone who is only with you for god knows why. Am I going to be sad if he leaves me? Or will I finally feel free? I’ve been hiding behind this barrier for years and I haven’t been allowing myself to be who I truly want to be. All these thoughts running through my mind and No one to confide in. Am I denying that this relationship is over? Am I trying to block out the fact that these six years are coming to an end? Or am I hoping that something will magically happen and things will go back to how they were. These are the thoughts running through my mind tonight. And tomorrow night. And the night after. To let nature take its course or to take control now. Like my anxiety would even allow that to happen.