i’m home now.
i came home after all. my parents are pretty stoked about it, they’ve missed me…im an only child so they’re stuck with me lol. it feels nice being back home. i missed my dogs too.
emerson keeps calling me and texting but im avoiding him like the plague right now. i did something stupid and that i totally regret now. which is why im avoiding his calls. i called him just before i left my dorm to go home, and i told him that i didnt want to hang out with him tonight and that i didnt want to continue our unspoken agreement of being fuck buddies. it totally shocked him, i could hear it in his voice. basically i bit the bullet and i told him that i cared a lot about him. i had romantic feelings for him. and that i didnt want to waste my time, or share my bed with him if he didnt want to reciprocate those feelings either. i told him that i needed to end it because while its all fun and games, the morning after he gets up and has a carefree happy day with his buds, but im left with feelings that he doesnt share and that are useless to me. and that it hurts too much to have him, and not have him. i apologized too. i took responsibility because after all its a dance that takes two people. he was really taken back and he only got the chance to say he was sorry i felt this way. because i literally said ‘i have to go. sorry’ and the i turned my phone off. childish. but i figure ill pick up the pain when i come back to boulder. for now. i just want to be with my family and not worry about my own fucked up little life/mess that ive created for myself here.
and no i dont believe emerson is going to somehow romantically surprise me by telling me he’s been in love with me the whole time and that he now does want a relationship with me because . ….. he’s dating another girl now. and i just saw an instagram pic of them together on a date and taking stupid fucking ‘couple pictures’. so there you go….i lost my bestfriend AND a fuckbuddy. goddamn this has been a stellar week for me.
to be honest im also relieved. im not his slut, and if i was more his slut, than he was my bestfriend, so be it. glad its done, gone, and over.
i think ill go take a 5 hour midnight bubble bath now. gnj