4.4.2017

technically it’s 4.5.17, but at midnight does it really count?

i don’t think people understand me. when i explain how i feel, they say i’m smart, or talented. i know. it doesn’t matter. they say it’ll turn out okay. i wish it would, but it doesn’t. the things you say don’t apply to me. i appreciate the replies, because i’m an attention whore and replies are important to me. but what you say is generic and i don’t think i am.

i am literally failing. i failed one class last semester (and barely passed my others..) and i am going to have to retake it in the summer probably. this semester i am still struggling just to pass, and i probably won’t.

it’s really kind of sad. it’s not like i’m stupid or can’t understand it. i’m smart (or at least i think i am, but i’m biased. maybe i am stupid but my brain just can’t see it because i’m me and not someone else ….) but i am shit at executive functioning and motivation and not being a complete mess. i’m the worst kind of person. i’m a perfectionist, but a very imperfect one. so if i am not perfect, i can’t do anything… resulting in a lot of zeroes for grades.

my mom seems to think i am stupid because i have other, non-academic interests. if i show any interest in clothing or if i put on makeup, i spend too much time on appearance. if i do art i’m wasting time on non-academic subjects. but it doesn’t make sense. she cares about her clothes. she cares about mine. she wears makeup. she buys makeup with or for me. i had a friend who wears a lot of makeup and is the reason i started buying it in the first place. my mom tells me i am the most makeup-obsessed person she knows. i care more about makeup than she does. i care more about makeup than school … but i only wore it because my friend did. i don’t even wear it often. my mom likes art. she draws a lot and her painting are hanging on the wall. but she doesn’t want me to do art. when i chose my schedule for next year i doubled up on maths (two years worth in one year) and chose one art course. when i told her i’m taking an art class she said i should take more academic courses…

i cry way too much. and it is 1 in the morning so i cry even more easily… i should go to sleep soon, it’s already hard enough to get up in the mornings.

i am always so tired in the morning. i just want to go back to sleep and not get out of bed. so i am always late, dropping full letter grades off of my classes.

i’m not sure if any of this entry made sense but i should end it here. goodnight.

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP