All I can think about is having another baby. I cant sleep. I stay awake and daydream about it. I imagine all the exciting things happening to me and I become breathless, even while i lay in my bed in the dark. I imagine the ultrasound tech telling him and i, “its a boy!” and I imagine crying with glee. I think about the girls rubbing my belly, and asking when their baby will come. I imagine the girls coming to the hospital to meet him. And I wont be nervous this time, and I wont be stressed. It will be me and him and the baby again, by ourselves like it was the other times, and i will be in my own quiet bliss. I will be sleepless and tense at times but also so so so fucking happy when i look at my baby’s face that nothing else will matter. I remember what it all felt like, as if it were yesterday. And i long for it again so badly I cant sleep.


Im nervous too, of course. But not about the baby. About him. If he doesnt get actually excited for this, I dont know what i will do. Even if he says “ok babe” and we decide we will, but he doesnt seem to be into it…i will be so nervous. Ive got all the names picked out. Well, not concrete names for a girl. Im so foolish to think that God will give us a boy just because we think we need one. Its silly- so many families are loads and loads of the same gender. I wouldnt admit it out loud but…theres this girl who had her 5th baby tonight. 3 boys in a row, followed by a girl finally, whom she adores, and now a 5th boy. Ive never had a boy so its hard for me to imagine i guess. I know if i had a 3rd girl, i would adore and love her just the same as my other two. I would give her a name that I thought over for months and years, like my other two. I would take notice of all the wonderful things that make her herself.  I think I would want to run “Jovie June” by him. I think he would like it. I love the idea of Jovie…Jovial. Which i imagine she would be. of course maybe not. Our other daughter’s meaningful names suit them so perfectly. Our son would be Leo…probably Leo Michael. It could also be Leo Stephen or Leo Joseph but it would likely be Leo Michael. His grandfather, and my father. Thats what feels best in my heart right now. Last year, over a year ago actually…I thought we would have a Leland. I was convinced of it. Then he said no, he wasnt serious when he made those comments, and he simply DID NOT WANT another child. He’s made comments again, ever since my little pregnancy scare that brought all this back up again after it sat idle for the past year, on the back burner. He said he thinks about how cool it would be to have another child, to meet that person, to see what they would be like. BUT. Theres always a but. a worry in his heart that I try so hard to shake from him with my reason and logic. I am fairly confident that it worked this time but i really wont know until he gets home from this extended work trip. He told me to “chill out” last time we were joking about it. “you need to chill” he said. That worries me of course. But he also said in multiple emails….”Lets see how this XYZ plays out”. He hasnt said no, not once.

I cant stop fantasizing about it. Bringing the baby to the girl’s school for the first time at drop off. Before that…..seeing that second line on the pregnancy test. Telling our family and friends. The excitement in my heart, silent and buried during the business of everyday life before the new addition arrived. The preparations. Its dangerous to want something this much and I know that from experience but this time ive actually let myself totally go with it. ive let it run completely wild without any restraint whatsoever, almost in hopes that if i put it out in the universe as if ITS HAPPENING, then it will actually happen.



**I had opendiary for years and years and years, just one. and then it went under, and ive tried others since, but haven’t stuck to one. I wish it would come back and I could re-open the one i had, because it was so good, and i had so many awesome people that i connected with on there. But here i am, trying this out. I have more to say than this one stupid post, thats why i wish i could upload my whole opendiary to start this off but alas, here i am, naked and starting over.

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