Hey, if anyone i know is reading this, first of all wow how the hell did you find it
(if you found it through that “hidden link” i made then whoops i guess but i needed to put it somewhere so that i could eventually talk to real people about this shit)
Second of all i would like to let you know that this is some personal shit so please don’t fuck around with it. Also its gonna be suuuper awkward if we talk about it so just message me or something if you do end up reading it. (oh and by the way I’m not going to kill myself or anything radical like that Jesus Christ it’s not that deep). But yeah I’m just writing this to express thoughts that i haven’t been able to talk about to people because i don’t have those sort of relationships unfortunately. Maybe one day I’ll become close enough to someone that i can vent to them instead of running away to the internet, but enough of that get scrolling and fill up your clipboard with all those juicy copy pastes <3.
Hello, I’m Liam, and I will be writing my journal here. I’m doing this because i need a place to vent my emotions, and it will be public so that I can feel like I’m actually talking to people rather than myself, which will hopefully make it more of a therapeutic thing. Now it’s not like my entire family died in a bush-fire or some crazy life ruining shit, but i still feel like i need this.
So I’m 16, in school doing my Preliminaries and honestly I have come to realize that I’m not in the best spot, today I kind of let loose a glimpse of my (i guess) mental state and it was pretty awkward, even in front two of my most reliable friends. I was working on sketching skills for my DAT course and i didn’t want to show my drawings or anything, and when the conversation came to that I opened up a bit. The reason I didn’t is because I don’t think they are good, and i think that my friends are going to also think they’re shit. Then somehow this event where i show some dumb-ass drawings to my friends, will expose their secret hatred of me and thus break off all ties with me.
When i think about it, the feeling is illogical, my friends must have stuck with me for a reason right? Otherwise what reason would they associate with me? Yet i just can’t shake that feeling of “any day now, they will reveal they hate me”. It isn’t always this sinister, sometimes it’s “they don’t think I’m funny’ or “I look like i took my face to a belt sander, and everyone judges me for it”.
Actually written down this is some heavy shit, I think I’m managing quite well… Hooray. These thoughts have plagued my mind since around year 5 or 6,this was probably a result of most of my good friends either leaving my life or turning out to be shitheads, luckily I’ve managed to keep a stable, close friend group through most of my life which is fun, and it probably helped me stay more stable mentally. But since year 10 is over and my life is starting to get closer and closer to adulthood, I can feel that every day matters more and more but I’m not being motivated and i think it’s because I haven’t resolved these issues.
So yeah, I’m not confident in myself and my abilities and I have deep dark feelings that no one likes me and I’m inadequate, cool huh?