First of all, I’m a relatively calm person that takes this as they come and try to deal with them firsthand. I try not to dwell on things because I think that there is always a solution to every problem..one way or another. It may not be easy or something you want to do but in the end..it gets solved and turns out….well the way it turns out. Accepting how it turns out is the hardest part I think…well if it’s a negative turn out.
Back in August, my cousin was killed by a kidnapping. It’s a long story that I’m not going to bore anyone with but I will say it was the most unexpected and ridiculous thing I have ever heard happen to someone so close to me. He wasn’t only my cousin he was my brother. We had a bond that was only ours. We could tell each other anything and everything and we wouldn’t judge and would give as much advice to each other as we could. We also fought like brother and sister. Poked fun at each other, called each other names, laughed together….He lived in another country and was going to move back here in mid August with his fiance and we were so thrilled. We would finally be living in the same place! Sadly, 5 days before he was supposed to move here he passed away. Honestly, this sounds pretty cliche but life has not been the same. We would text each other all the time to see how they were doing and just to chat. He was getting ready to move here and so I was helping him with his resume and cover letter. His portfolio I was still proofreading for him and I didn’t finish so it’s sitting on my desk at work right now. Can’t seem to move it.
Anyway…it’s been 8 months now and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. I just want to reach for my phone and say hey. It’s been particularly rough lately because back in January I found out that my husband and I were expecting. We were soo excited and thrilled. I knew that my cousin would have loved to hear the news as well. Then at 10 weeks I miscarried. It was one of the hardest things I ever dealt with. I keep seeing people with babies everywhere and commercials and just….everything! I know how common it is now. No one ever talks about it ever. It is not something to bring up really. Although at the same time, it’s nice to get it out and talk about it with someone. Someone who isn’t over it yet or someone who thinks maybe I should be over it by now. Everyone moved on with their lives (which they should and that is just people) but, I’m still there. I still feel shitty about it. My first pregnancy, first baby, etc. It’s a shocking thing. Something you know about and hear about but something you never expect will happen to you. In the hospital I learned that 20% of women go through this. 20%?! Isn’t that sound like a lot?? I mean what a shitty thing to take away from someone right? I dont know…I’m still trying to get back to life and be back to normal. Some days it is a lot easier. Others…I just see everything and friends who are pregnant post some crap and then I think…should be me too. Well anyway…this post is long enough. I hope whoever you are if you even read this stuff it finds you well.
Until next time,