I thought of you.

Whenever things get bad I start to think about you, and what I could have had. I think about those months we talked everyday, where we shared intimate stories, where you understood me and treated me like I was already yours. I think about the first time we ever kissed and how your lips felt pressed against mine. I think about the first time you ever passionately pressed your body against mine. I think about how I didn’t feel guilty and how right it felt. Like we belonged together. Like god led me to you for a reason. And then I ruined it. I ruined it because I thought he was going to change. I ruined it because I kept telling you I would leave him when I didn’t. I ruined it because you told me you’d wait for me and then a year passed and I never left him. As fucked up as it sounds, cheating on you with him was the happiest I’ve been in a while. So when things get bad I think of you. I think of what things would be like if I ever got to leave him. I think of how close we were. I think of the time I had a gun pointed at my face and you drove all the way from your office to mine. You spent that entire afternoon with me making sure I was ok. You followed me until I got to the highway safely. You called me 20 minutes later to make sure I was still ok. I know you still care about me, what we shared was special. But I picked him over you. I let you get away because I thought he was changing. But he never did. Here I am, sitting on my couch, wondering if I’ll ever be good enough for him. When I was with you for that brief period of time, I never had to be assured. I knew you only had eyes for me. Things were complicated. I was with him while I was with you. What I did was wrong. But you made me find my value. You understood the emotional abuse I’m in. You understood why I couldn’t leave. You understood why things were the way they were when no one else did. I sit here staring out my window and I watch the rain fall heavily on my window and think about the times it would be like this and how we would spend the entire night texting each other about nonsense. But I let you get away. And now we don’t talk. I haven’t seen you in months even though we work for the same company. Someone saw my phone, and our thing was spread quicker than a wildfire in the office. Everyone knew about us and I didn’t care anymore. But you did and I understood. We no longer talk and it’s probably the shittiest feeling in the world. I’m still with him, because I love him. But do I? Because things were ok again. He stopped calling me names and he stopped threatening me. But then it happened again. And then I thought of you again. Every song on the radio, every scene in a movie, I thought of you. I’m scared to see you next. I know it’s going to happen soon. Spring meetings are coming up. I’m going to see you again and I’m scared. I’m scared to see the one I let get away. 

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