Mind full of questions

While the net is out and I’m waiting, I figured I would go over the days that I have missed from the world since I was working. It’s been a long few days and I might even add strange to say the least. We’ll start with the weekend, I worked all weekend and am slowly adjusting to working again. I did have to get a new pair of shoes though. That was Thursday though. It’s been the last few nights that have turned my world on its ear.

I’ve spoken but not often of the Knight. A central part of my world for a year that I cannot fully describe in words. What I can say of that time is that it’s one of the few times that I remember being happy. Deliriously happy. I will say that it was one of the few affairs that I had on my husband at the time when the Ogre’s would number in the double digits by that time. The Knight, as he will always be known to me, came from something that was a draw between us. It was something that wasn’t actually sexual in nature. He gave me the things that I wasn’t getting. Very few knew about it because we knew the dangers to me if any were to speak of it. A few trusted friends and no more. We were balance to each other and that’s the best way to describe it.

On to the present. I have spent the last few nights on the phone with him to the very early morning hours where both of us are nearly passing out. There has been some flirting back and forth but I take that in stride. For me though, the thing is the old feelings that are coming back. Old memories that have dredged up. When we couldn’t be together, we spent hours on the phone. Seems even that has returned. It won’t feel that long but it is there. Last night though I had to take pause for a moment. After so many long years that we hadn’t exchanged words he had kept something from that time that I didn’t think even possible. As I heard the furious tapping over the phone, it was then that full recognition had hit me. Even as ugly as things had been between us, it was one thing that he had never let go of. His seething anger easily heard that it was missing brought to the surface in me that balance for him. It was almost natural to remind him the thought was there and I didn’t speak the volumes that just that simple though spoke to me. Soothing that anger that was bubbling to the surface until he moved on to something else seemed the most natural thing in the world for me. My daughter, my mirror image in ideal and thought, had mentioned yesterday the very thoughts that flow through my mind. What’s his end game? It could be as simple as something that is just the pair of us enjoy being lonely together or this could be the opening of the door of something stolen long ago. I honestly don’t know nor do I want to upset the delicate balance that has seemed to form. What I do know is that no matter where this road goes, I want to follow it. Be it that the friendship fully reforms and become solid once more or it goes further with time, I am happy with either.

It doesn’t take away from the love I will always have for the Lion. I doubt anything will. I can’t ignore that something is opening in me. Something that I thought long dead and buried. For now, though it will remain that way because I am still fearful of opening up and being hurt once more. Though I may do something rash that I didn’t think possible. A trip to his lands Not a long drive really. One thing I do remember of him if nothing else, no matter what he would say his eyes can never lie. Looking in those will give me the answers, so perhaps there is a trip in my future. I don’t know when, but it will be there. So many paths lay open, the question remains which one should I follow?

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