Journal Day 165 – Most Traumatic Day of My Life

Thursday, April 6th 2017

I can already tell today is going to be an awesome day. My life is about to get really exciting. I’m typing this up at 1:03 PM from the office and I am hyped for this afternoon. Dr. Neal Barnard is in town today to do a lecture, and tickets are already sold out. I am going down so I can get a book signed by him, and I can’t wait to see my fellow vegans down there. It is going to be awesome and exciting, I plan to capture a lot of it on video. 5 hours. Can I wait that long?

So this morning was also pretty remarkable. I woke up, checked through my YouTube comment replies, Imgur comment replies, and even Reddit comments replies. I post in all of these different websites and I talk to a lot of people there getting into ‘debates’ or ‘arguments’ which I always win, and I get notifications almost every day that I reply to. I reply until they are beaten down, or if they are super trolly and consistently say stupid things, I just end up blocking them since they’re not worth my time.

On Reddit, I have a huge positive rating from my comments. I mostly stay in the vegan subreddit and reply to a lot of people there. Everyone there and I get along pretty well, since we know what’s up with the world and have this awesome mental connection.

On imgur I have negative 68 points because I posted a before / after vegan photo, which now has over 4200 views after just a few days, and I get lots of trolls replying and downvoting. Kind of funny how much hatred that vegans get despite our health improvements, the avoidance of killing animals for no reason, and small environmental footprint. It’s possible and easy to go vegan for life, and there are vegan meat products made out of plant foods, they taste awesome, have zero cholesterol, have tons of antioxidants and fiber, overall so much better than actual meat.

I made a video of myself with my shirt off again this morning, 12 days into the Starch Solution. I admit I don’t follow the starch solution 100% because during work, I would sometimes eat nuts or nutrition bars, as in yesterday and the day before. I just get hungry and I have no choice since there’s not many starches in the office to choose from. Still, I lost a ton of weight apparently if you look at this before and after shot, and that is just awesome.

making and eating breakfast this morning. It was a last minute meal, so I basically just ate all the rice and quinoa left in the rice cooker, added some kale, and ate. No cooking or preparation needed except just grabbing food and eating.

As I type this sentence at 1:29 PM, apparently some people in the office got a tornado warning. I look out the window and I see a lot of dark clouds in the distance. This region pretty much never gets tornadoes, and it would be exciting if we had one today. I just hope my home isn’t destroyed, but I think we have insurance on that. Going on the Google Website actually gave me a tornado warning. It says:

“TAKE COVER NOW! Move to a basement or an interior room on the lowest floor of a sturdy building. Avoid windows. If you are outdoors, in a mobile home, or in a vehicle, move to the closest substantial shelter and protect yourself from flying debris.”

Oh shoot the rain is getting hard. Tons of people are crowded around the windows, observing. I see dark clouds in the distance, some far cities I can’t even see anymore. Oh shit. The rain is actually bumping up against the windows with such strength it’s making loud noises as it hits the glass, the wind too. This never happens.

20 minutes later…

That was fun. I got close to the windows as other people did, and we observed strange things happening like hail occurring and swirling in different motions, strong winds, and people running around taking cover. There were also benches flying around, and signs and things getting knocked over. I got a lot on video, no tornado though.

I didn’t go to the ground level to experience what it was like because someone came up to me to discuss work. So we discussed work and other projects at my desk while I kept looking out the window, wanting to go back there and record. The opportunity passed and I never got another chance, after our talk was over, the clouds had already lifted and it was sunny again.

I love Rise Against’ song Like the Angel. When I first listened to the song it sounded too ‘intellectually-classical-hipster”, and it still does actually, but the song sounds awesome now and I’m in love with it. Another awesome song by Rise Against is Give It All. That song fills me up with energy, I just want to sprint for a couple of miles after listening to that song.

So I’m writing this entirely new paragraph 2 days later on April 8th 2017. Something traumatic happened to me on the 6th, which I’ll write about in a voice as if ‘today’ were April 6th.

So after work I picked up my mom at around 5 PM today, we drove back home, and I lied down for around 10 minutes to get some rest. I was going to a local vegan event I heard about on MeetUp.com. Dr. Neal Barnard was showing up and had a presentation. The tickets which were not cheap, were already sold out. I was pumped.

I grabbed my copy of the book “The Cheese Trap” which I bought just for it to be signed, and headed out. The drive there was relatively straightforward. It’s the drive back home that really traumatized me, and I still have flashbacks of what happened. It’s sort of like in the movies when they show a flashback of a traumatizing event, I get the same exact flashback sort of feeling and memory. It plays in my mind and it is traumatic every single time.

At the event I was very awkward. I hadn’t been at an event with so many other vegans before, and everyone there was a vegan. I just sort of stood around and watched as people walked around, talked to each other, blah blah blah. Most of the people there were older. There were only a few people under 30, and I would say the majority of the people there were also women. There were some men of course, like there was a guy wearing an “Herbivore” shirt, he was muscular and fit, and I was like yo that is cool as shit.

The people were easy to talk to, some were even animal rights activists telling me about Direct Action Everywhere which from their description sounded awesome, I want to sign up for that. I told them about Fast Action Network which is an entirely online activist network, I’m surprised they hadn’t heard of it. They didn’t ask me if I was vegan, but I did get asked if I was ‘plant-based’, must be because I was the only person above normal BMI over there, while everyone else was in the healthy range. Damn. I’m getting there. I think there’s some resistance to me losing weight as well, I feel like I’ll be way too skinny if I lose any further weight, but at the same time I’m above normal BMI without too much muscle. Except my legs, they are super muscular and I can do 10 reps of the maximum weight of two leg work-out machines in my office gym, idk what those exercises are called though.

Anyway the event was fun. I felt connected with people there, and I didn’t have a ticket so I only showed up for the book signing initial part which anyone could join for free. I’m going to visit that Greenfare restaurant again and buy some food there sometime, since I didn’t get any this first time visiting. I saw a video of them actually making one of their most ordered recipes on the Internet, and they made it in about 5 minutes, so I’m surprised they would give something valuable away since I can now just make it at home myself for cheaper.

Afterwards I got my book signed and got a picture taken with Dr. Neal Barnard himself. I was awkward when talking to him though, he walked up to me as I was sitting and talking to a woman in front of me who was so excited and curious, and he said “sorry about that, I told you I was going to sign your book and then got distracted.” Because the cameraman recording the event asked for his attention suddenly and asked him to stand someplace, and then I got distracted myself by another person talking to me. It wasn’t hectic, but things had to be done.

So the most traumatic part came on my drive home. I still have problems recalling the memory as it hurts a lot to bring it up. Let me just copy and paste what I wrote on Reddit that same night describing the event:

“Hey guys. While driving on the home today, a fawn ran directly into my car and died. I can remember it vividly, and I can still see its face as clear as day. It is a little traumatizing.

I was driving down the road, speeding a little bit faster than everyone else. I looked at the rearview mirror and saw people were far back behind me. I then looked ahead and saw the road was open, the sun was up, and so I kept driving straight ahead with no obstacles in sight. I sped up a little faster. THUMP. I saw its face as it hit my door. I knew I fucked up something bad.

As I drove and screamed, I just imagined its agony as it slowly died. Traumatizing. I decided to turn around, face my actions, and to record the event on video. It’s hard for me to describe how I felt. The cause of its death was me. Most likely it would have otherwise lived a long life. Maybe it was meeting friends across the road.

Anyway, it hurts how I feel right now. I’m going to go out running for several miles tonight, and I’m taking a day off work tomorrow. I would really like to change the world, but I just feel powerless in doing so. Not enough influence, not enough power, not enough of any skills myself.

Most problems we have are inconsequential. I feel numb about everything, but I still want to do my best.”

Here’s the video I posted along with it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJkB90bsj5Y

Yeah. So I was far ahead of the pack actually. After the stop light turned green, I didn’t really step on the gas too hard, but my car is newer than most, so I was able to just whiff pass everyone with ease. They were a long distance back when I looked in the rearview mirror. I totally understand how the deer would have hit my car, because if I was with that group, I would have been probably 10-20 seconds behind where I was. Because I sped up, because I had a white car, crossed over a white bridge at high speed (no joke, the bridge is a grayish-whitish color), I don’t think the deer saw me. So, it directly ran into my car as I was driving. FUCK.

It’s hard to describe the frustration I felt. It was terrible. I wanted to cry, I wanted to go back in time just 2 seconds before and sped up a little faster. Shit. If I had known this would have happened, I would’ve driven a lot more slowly. I don’t blame myself, and I am totally over it. But I feel a lot of agony over the fact that I caused an innocent creature’s death. A deer no less. It’s a terrible feeling to hold.

When I die though, I will meet that deer in hell. I won’t be surprised if in my deathbed I’ll hallucinate meeting a deer of some sort, meeting the deer I killed, and seeing that it forgave me after all these years. At least I know my death will be peaceful now. I’ll meet that deer in the afterlife. When I die, I’ll recall the vivid memory of killing that deer, and I’ll feel at rest knowing we’re now both at the same place.

Selfie for the day

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