Saturday April 8th

I am now on spring break for a week and a half. Ugh. I still don’t have email set up with the DOE. AND, I got an email yesterday from DOE saying my nomination had been closed. Gah!!! Never in my life have I had so much trouble with getting a job started and straightened out. It has driven me crazy the entire month of March. And, just when I thought it was lining out, I got that fucking email. If you call down there, you are literally on hold for at least 45 minutes and the person that finally answers may or may not be able to answer your questions.  I have zero income right now and I am feeling a little sick about it. I just keep the hope that once I start the school year in September, everything will be in order and fine by that time. Right now, and for this summer, everything is a mess. 

I went on a date Wednesday night. I have another date with him on Tuesday. I’m not thrilled about it. He is a teacher, too. He seems okay, but yesterday, I got back on the dating site to re-read his profile, and on that site, people can see if you have visited their profile. He texted me and asked if everything was okay. I said yes, is everything okay with you. Then he told me he had seen that I had visited his profile and sometimes when you have already been on a date with someone and then view their profile, it is “not always a good thing”. What the hell? Not once have I ever messaged anyone because they have viewed my profile. Here’s my take on it. If someone views you and doesn’t say anything to you, that means they didn’t like what they read. Don’t bother them by saying, “thanks for stopping by”. So stupid. Online dating is so stupid. It’s all stupid. Every fucking time I try it, I am left thinking I will never do it again. 

I need to focus on myself right now.  I need to figure out  how  to make some money to help me get by the next few months.

I”m also thinking about Sophie. She is 17 years old now, and I know 15-17 is the average life span for a cat. She has literally saved my life since I have been in New York. Whenever I think about killing myself, I think about her and what would happen to her and how would she be cared for, and how long would she be alone in the apartment before someone found me. That stops me because I have had her for so long, I can’t leave her like that. I owe it to her to take care of her for the rest of her days. I just don’t know how I will do with it when she does die. I wasn’t prepared to lose Jack when we found out he was sick. I thought he would live to be 15 or so, so at 11, I was not even thinking about losing him yet. Sophie has been a fixture in our family practically since we were a family. And she’s still with me 10 years after we stopped being a family. 

Last week, before I started working, I was really thinking about moving back to Kentucky and starting back with school there in August. Today, I feel more like staying here- at least until I see what is going to happen with the DOE job. It is aggravating me to death. No wonder they can’t get teachers! No wonder! It takes so fucking long to get hired and your pay straightened out, you already have another job and don’t care anymore.

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