Well, here we are.

I decided to start an online journal, something that I can share with other people around the world but not share my complete identity. I write to help others and to cope with my own emotions, but I don’t want people I know to know it’s me. I’ll share as much or as little as I want, but it’s good to have some sort of secrecy. 

I’m missing my grandfather lately. He passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer. He was someone who was near and dear to my heart, and I looked up to him. He encouraged me and my musical abilities and made me feel like I was capable of so much.

He was diagnosed with cancer almost eight years ago and only passed recently. He was given more time than they originally told us, and I’m grateful for that. I moved away from home 5 1/2 years ago. I’d come home to visit quite often making it a point to see him and spend a lot of time with him. 

I introduced my then-partner to him, and my grandfather immediately loved him like a grandson. I’ll never forget how he hugged me and told me he loved me, and he hugged him on New Year’s and said “and I love YOU!” 

Obviously he and I broke up, but we’re still on good terms. My grandfather’s cancer started growing again and the chemo started to affect his body for the first time in the years he’s taken chemo. He began losing his hair, his appetite and his weight. It became harder for me to see him in his decline. 

I would go home to visit, and see him when I can, but I would try to avoid it sometimes. It was just too hard for me to see him in that state. I went from stopping by every day or two to visiting once or twice while I was back home. 

When he became terminal, and we were just waiting for the day he goes back home, I tried to make it a point to see him but even then I’d just sit in the waiting room of his house. He died at home, like he wanted. That was nice.

I miss him so much and I regret not seeing him as much as I probably could have. I beat myself up over it. I wish I had more pictures taken with him. I wish I had just sucked it up and stayed with him like my other cousins did. I wish I had talked to him more towards the end. 

I just wish I had done things differently, because I’d give anything to hug him again.

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