WordVomit9

Hello again. I havent done one of these in a long time. I don’t know why I am writing. Maybe to convince myself that its okay to hurt or that there has to be some reason to stay alive. I don’t know, I just know things are getting bad again. They come in waves that last longer and it gets darker. It takes longer to get out and shorter until I get sucked back in. Making the pain stop is more frequent of a thought. I cut again and I don’t care about anything anymore. I am just constantly hurt and when I am caught up in a wave of euphoria bells go off in my head telling me its about to get really bad and I never listen. Everything just hurts. It hurts so bad. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, I don’t want to read, I just want to sleep. Where the thoughts don’t haunt me. Where the thoughts leave me alone just once, and they don’t come as a surprise. But when I wake up, its overwhelming, its tiring and it hurts. I am caught up in a cloud of hurt and I don’t understand why the numbness hasn’t taken over. I want someone to care to notice something is wrong but at the same times I want them to think that I am okay and that I am happy so they don’t have to worry. I look at the people around me and I wonder why are they my friends? I am a terrible human being. I am a sack of shit. I am ugly and fat, my personality is shit. I am a terrible mean person. I don’t deserve anything good. I don’t deserve these wonderful people that come into my life. That are so kind and sweet and caring and filled with life and I poison them. I fill them with darkness because my darkness is a leech. Sometimes I talk myself out of suicide. I am going to Korea and don’t want to waste my moms money is literally the only excuse I have at the moment and I want another excuse but there is none. I used to think, if this guy (that I am 110% infatuated with by the way) if he liked me back, that would give me an excuse to not do it. Because someone would love me right? Wrong. He rejected me. Like all the rest, but hes still my friend and he still makes me smile. But this voice keeps saying there is something wrong with you. Because why would he tell you no if there wasn’t something wrong. He knows your broken. He knows your fucked up. He knows you cut yourself and starve yourself some days. He knows you are terrified to eat and terrified for people to see your tears. He knows you cry yourself to sleep and he knows im here. And I believe this voice. This voice that haunts me because they are the only one that makes sense in this sad world. They are the same voice that tells me not to eat because I am a fat pig, the same voice that tells me that I will never be good enough, the same voice that tells me if I slice into my skin everything will be better, everything will be okay. And this is true. I never wanted to stop cutting, society made me and I don’t understand why I listened. Cutting helps me. Cutting makes me feel like I am real. How dare they tell me Im not.  Someone tried to help me. But I told them I was fine because they were going to ruin me. They were going to ruin all my opportunities.  All the things I worked hard for they were going to ruin it. You know, I force myself to smile a lot. But these past two days it came easy, I felt confident, I felt okay. But that was because I convinced myself that I was okay, that I was happy, and I constantly surrounded my self with people to keep my thoughts running instead of lurking. But I wish I read more. I don’t do that anymore and it makes me sad. It makes me very sad. I wish I was cool. I wish I had friends who cared about the real me. Who chose not to see something wrong with me. I hint at it. Ive been hinting when I am sad and no one cared. No one asked why, no one asked If I needed to talk, they just shrugged it off. I just want to die, because I don’t see a tomorrow. I don’t see a future. Ive never seen a future.

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