I’m just gunna be all over the place as I write this, so hang in there while reading.
I’m gunna start off by telling alittle about myself, I’m 17, a christian and a high school drop out. I don’t do much with my time anymore, I’ve tried to get a job but with no luck. I enjoy working with my media team at youth group, bassicly the tech geeks of the building. I mainly work the sound board but I managed most of the media booths equipment. I also enjoy photography, if you’d like to see some of the pictures I take just sift through my Instagram: SamuelJKeller
I keep thinking I cannot move on without her, and I won’t find any motivation from anything besides her. I’ve let myself fall into a dark pit of depression and fear of the future.
I was taking a HiSET course to graduate a year early and I had plans to go to college for four years and make something of my life but I haven’t gone to class since she was ripped away from me. Four weeks, nine skipped classes. There’s no possible way I can finish in time now, and if I’m not in college next semester then my parents are kicking me out on the day I turn eighteen.
I’ve sent out at least twenty job applications and I haven’t heard back from any of the employers. I tried calling and leaving messages asking them about the applications but still nothing.
It’s like as if God doesn’t want me to succeed anymore because I let a break up hold me back from the plans he had for me. He called me to be a youth pastor and called me to Faith Bible College International to prepare for that, but I threw it away just because I’m depressed about a stupid break up.
I’m not eating enough, and I’m sleeping too much. I rarely leave my bed room for anything. I spit my step father in the face because I don’t have anything else to direct my anger to.
The only thing that’s keeping me from a tight loop hanging from a pipe in my basement is the youth group that I go to only once a week. I have a responsibility there. It’s not much of one, I can easily just teach someone else how to do my job and just leave. But I haven’t.
She felt like the one. She caught me and filled the void I was falling in for 16 years. I don’t know what I’ll do without. I don’t know if I can move on. I don’t know.. Who I am anymore.. If the calling I pursued was actually what I was meant for.
I keep thinking that I have no meaning. That I’m just a random creation floating through life with no where to land.