4/9/17

Tonight, i am done with you. i don’t know if this is aimed at me or the ex i can’t stop thinking about but whoever it is, i’m done. i feel stupid. i feel pathetic. i’m confused and i’m lost; it’s driving me insane. i want to say fuck it. i want to throw in the towel and give up. i crave the feeling of a blade against my sides. i crave the feeling of doing something so terrible to myself, it gives me the release i need from this shitty world. when i watch the blood bubble up onto my skin, i think of  how much i would have to cut to bleed out. i don’t want to die, but i like the thought of it. disappearing, what a fantasy. i don’t sleep anymore because when i close my eyes i see his face and i start to smile. shortly after,  i will realize that we’re not together anymore and i’m still heartbroken over you. i push my feelings away, keep my heart safe. i don’t take risks that i know will devastate me. but i took your risk. i gave you my heart and you treated me like shit. you spent multiple nights screaming that i was a whore and a slut because i had a brief encounter with someone i used to associate with. like what the fuck? USED TO. i get so mad i want to punch something when i think of you. you make me shake and want to scream until i can’t anymore. i still love him though. i still miss him so much. i check my phone all the time hoping it’s him and get discouraged with it. i love you but i can’t be with someone who thinks treating me like shit to make himself feel better is okay. i have major depression and anxiety. you knew i was fragile and you still hurt me. i feel like you don’t even care. i feel like your never gonna see that i didn’t fuck you over. that’s all i fucking want. im so mad. i hate myself. i hate love. i hate you. i hate life. i miss you. i love you. i’m done with life today.

One thought on “4/9/17”

  1. It reminds me of this

    The sound of waves quietly repeats,
    As if the noise of midsummer were a lie

    The pieces of a clasped dream spill through, almost like sand

    The bright days we spent together were all painted by you

    Time will eventually heal my pains, but my memories will not leave you

    Bring him back to me
    still in love with you

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