Restless brain

Well its happening again my dumbass is getting too invested in her again you know she’ll just fuck you around and use you for whatever she can and you’ll just do anything she says, i try to remain distant so i dont get feelings but once you’ve had those feelings once they come back easier the next time and stronger it just makes it harder i want to be a prick but its not in my nature to be one, life would be alot easier if i could, i wear my heart on my sleeve way too much if i could cut the fucker out i would, fuck feelings no one cares about them anymore, its clear she just wants to use me for my car she didn’t want to know me when she was with her ex but as soon as they broke up she was straight on my case im not that naive to not see it but being like me only ever having one partner in 21 years and no one ever be interested in me it feels nice when someone takes notic of me and makes me feel like theres a future there but whenever the conversation comes up about giving it a shot i just get excuse after excuse, ive done well for the last year to keep my heart locked up and not take notice of any women to keep myself from any hurt, but ill throw myself completely into the madness its just jumping into the dark abyss and just falling surrounded by the crushing darkness that will eat away at me till theres nothing left and i eventually end it all there would be no more pain  no more worry it would be better i wouldn’t set my self up to get hurt over and over every fucking time, i constantly think of every possible outcome in every situation and i always belive that the worse is what will happen, my brain is constantly doing 100 miles an hour and constantly thinking its stop me from sleeping and stopping me from enjoying life if i could shut it off for one day that would be bliss, alcohol and drugs do nothing to stop it or take the pain away my brain still functions perfectly no mater what i take which some people may see as a good thing but its hell i cant enjoy anything in life its currently 4am and im not even tired just cause its still going, its why the topics change so quick because theres like 6 conversation going on up there all at the same time its madness its why i could write for hours and hours the words would just pour out without stopping i wish i could enjoy the simple things, argh! I just want to scream end it all! Get it over and done with so i dont have to deal with this shite anymore 

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